“The Worst Crew Ever Hired”
By: Joe (who still twitches when he hears the name Thorten)
(Genre: Southern country-rock with pain, sarcasm, and OSHA violations)
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[Verse 1 – Joe (already regrettin’ life)]
Got the call from dispatch sayin’, “Hey you free?”
I said, “Yeah, who’s the crew?”
They said, “It’s… uh… you’ll see.”
Thorten in the front, yellin’ at birds,
Shane 2 chewin’ bubblegum and slurrin’ his words.
Kevin brought a vape and a Bluetooth mic,
Tried to DJ the job like it’s Friday night.
Calen forgot his gloves, said “I’ll just use my sleeves,”
And Glen showed up already missin’ his keys.
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[Chorus – All Voices (rockin’ hard and fed up)]
They the worst crew ever hired, no debate,
Breakin’ beds, losin’ screws, always late.
Dropped a piano on a cat named Lou,
Then said “We good?” and split in two.
They wrapped a couch with a bath towel scrap,
Left a baby gate in a bear trap gap.
And X? Still don’t know his name or face—
Just hums and stares into empty space.
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[Verse 2 – Dillon (countin’ the damages)]
Thorten tried to box a chandelier,
Then threw a punch when the client got near.
Shane 2 folded pads like origami trash,
Then slipped on the ramp and blamed a ghost flash.
Kevin sat down in the middle of the load,
Playin’ Candy Crush on “party mode.”
Calen drove the truck into a fence—
Yelled “Why y’all build ‘em so damn dense?!”
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[Bridge – Jamaican Paul (watchin’ it burn)]
Mi see Glen wrap fine china in socks,
Mi say “No, bwoy,” he say “Relax, it rocks.”
X disappear, reappear by gate,
Lookin’ like he transport freight… from space.
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[Verse 3 – Joe (crackin’ up while breakin’ down)]
The job was a wreck by 10:15,
Mirror broke, TV lean.
Client cried. Dog ran off.
Kevin blamed the couch for bein’ soft.
Thorten swung on the man again,
This time over a question about padin’.
Then called Kurt and said, “Yeah, job canceled.”
While Glen stole snacks like a damn gremlin vandal.
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[Final Chorus – All Voices (full outlaw choir)]
They the worst crew Square Cow ever knew,
Even corporate said, “That can’t be true!”
Left drywall holes shaped like feet,
Stacked a mattress with raw ground beef.
Broke two beds, lost four tools,
Calen tried to fix it with swimmin’ pool rules.
And X? Just vanished, gone like mist…
I still ain’t sure that man exists.
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[Outro – Joe (rockin’ in a camp chair at sunset)]
So if you see Thorten, Shane 2, or Kev,
Just fake your death or call in instead.
’Cause movin’ with them is a one-way track…
To broken dreams… and a chiropractor’s shack.
KennyT69
