“Cartel Boyfriend (Ethan’s Mexico Love Story)”
By: The Square Cow Crew (But Mostly Dispatch, Shocked as Hell)
(Genre: Borderline country-banda hybrid with drama, danger, and romance. Think Johnny Cash meets Narcos on tequila.)
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[Verse 1 – Joe (narratin’ like he read it in a group chat)]
Ethan flew down to Cancún alone,
Said “I need beach pics for my brand new phone.”
Next thing we know, he’s off the grid,
And the news said, “One gringo’s slid.”
We got a call on the warehouse phone,
Static and Spanish with a threatening tone.
They said, “We got your boy, bring us cash,”
Then Ethan cut in like, “Wait—don’t be rash!”
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[Chorus – All (in disbelief)]
Ethan got took, then fell in love!
Now he’s dancin’ in silk with a cartel thug!
He ain’t in danger—he’s gettin’ fed grapes!
Got a rose tattoo and custom drapes!
One minute it’s ransom, next it’s romance…
Now he’s holdin’ hands in a villa with a glance!
He’s got a neck chain, gold-plated gun—
Ethan joined the cartel… and thinks it’s fun.
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[Verse 2 – Dillon (confused and angry)]
I was packin’ boxes, sweatin’ like hell,
When Ethan texted, “Bro I’m doin’ well.”
Sent a pic in Versace, next to a guy
Named “Chuy El Diablo” with a pistol thigh.
He said, “They were gonna kill me, then saw my eyes…
Now I’m their novio and I’m eatin’ papayas.”
They got matching tats, Ethan sippin’ mezcal,
He called his abduction a “romantic downfall.”
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[Chorus – All (even more confused)]
Ethan got took, then shacked up quick!
Now he ridin’ dirt bikes with dudes named “Stick.”
He’s wearin’ loafers, shoutin’ “Mi amor!”
While we movin’ safes through a client’s floor!
No hostage cries, no bruises, no sweat—
Just sunset kisses and cartel jets!
He ain’t in danger, bro, he’s livin’ wild—
Ethan’s got a gang and a stepkid now.
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[Bridge – Paul (watchin’ it all unfold)]
They wanted ten grand, then said “Keep your dough,”
’Cause Ethan made enchiladas and stole the show.
He don’t miss home, don’t miss the cow,
He’s teachin’ ‘em wrap jobs and shruggin’ now.
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[Final Chorus – All (accepting the madness)]
Ethan got took, but now he’s in charge!
Givin’ hugs to sicarios and drinkin’ large.
He Facetimed Kurt with his new cartel bae,
Said, “Tell dispatch I’m off next May.”
No rescue plan, no Navy SEALs—
Just Ethan in shades doin’ love deals.
So if you go south, pack your charm, not fear—
You might get kidnapped… then fall in love this year.
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[Outro – Joe (shakin’ his head)]
He left for a break, now he’s married to danger.
Square Cow don’t cover that kinda behavior.
KennyT69
