The E4 Mafia Investigation

Intro]

Yeah…

Somebody snitched…

Now CID outside the barracks askin’ questions…

But the E4 Mafia ain’t foldin’.

⸻

It started on a Tuesday, motor pool at dawn,

CSM was yellin’ ’cause the connex lock was gone,

Generator missin’, somebody stole the drip,

And six tornados vanished from the shoppette trip.

Specialist Johnson said, “I ain’t seen a thing,”

While hidin’ beef jerky in his ACH sling,

Private in the corner sweatin’ Mountain Dew,

CID showed up like, “We got questions for you.”

Somebody drew a mustache on the colonel’s frame,

Somebody swapped the guidon for a Taco Bell sign,

And somehow every witness got the same reply:

“Respectfully, sergeant major… I was at sick call all night.”

⸻

It’s the E4 Mafia investigation,

Whole battalion under interrogation,

Who stole the Humvee battery? Nobody knows,

Why the commander’s golf cart sittin’ on cinder blocks?

E4 Mafia, never snitchin’,

Energy drink shakes in the smoke pit twitchin’,

CID ask questions, we all look away,

“Sorry, sir… I just work here for the pay.”

⸻

CQ runner said he heard suspicious sounds,

Turns out specialists were racin’ office chairs around,

One dude flipped and crashed into supply,

Then blamed “hostile weather conditions” outside.

Now first sergeant furious, veins poppin’ red,

’Cause somebody put a traffic cone on top his head,

Formation lookin’ rough, nobody got sleep,

One dude still drunk from a Tuesday week.

Then the plot got thicker by the DFAC line,

A private sold fake profiles for extra leave time,

Another sold vape pens out the laundry room,

And somehow there’s a barbecue inside platoon.

⸻

It’s the E4 Mafia investigation,

Whole brigade losing communication,

Who replaced the anthem with Lil Wayne bass?

Why there’s an air fryer hidden in the safe?

E4 Mafia move in silence,

Except for Dodge Chargers caused by poor finance,

Staff duty knocking? Everybody pray,

“Can’t answer, sergeant… profile says no stress today.”

⸻

CID got a board with pictures and string,

Trying to figure out who stole the captain’s ring,

But every suspect got a fresh fade cut,

And somehow every alibi backed up.

Smoke pit lawyers building the defense,

Energy drinks replacing common sense,

One specialist whispered, “Stay calm, act cool,”

While hiding government property under a pool table stool.

⸻

It’s the E4 Mafia investigation,

Most organized disorganization,

From the barracks to the motor pool gates,

We surviving off nicotine and bad mistakes.

E4 Mafia forever united,

Low rank, high chaos, highly indicted,

And if you ask who caused this display—

“Respectfully, sir… it was probably the MPs anyway.”

⸻

Next week:

Why there’s a couch on top the barracks roof…

And why supply keeps losing microwaves…

The case continues…