Family Tree Tinder

Swipe right at 2AM, feelin’ kinda lonely,

Saw a cute girl smilin’ sayin’ “Come and get to know me,”

Profile said “small-town girl,” boots and a flannel shirt,

Shoulda known right then my luck was ’bout to make things worse.

Picked her up in my rusty Chevrolet,

Smelled like cheap cologne and gas station spray,

She laughed at my jokes, said I looked kinda fine,

I said “Girl, tonight you’re gettin’ free mozzarella sticks and wine.”

We rolled to Applebee’s, ordered drinks and fries,

Then she said, “You got your grandma’s eyes…”

I laughed kinda nervous, almost dropped my beer,

Then she said, “Wait… your daddy Frank from around here?”

My soul left my body, jukebox stopped dead,

Server walked by and I whispered, “I think we might be related…”

Pulled out both our phones, checked the family tree,

Turns out her mama’s cousin married kin to me.

Second cousins technically ain’t that close,

At least that’s what my drunk uncle always boasts,

Band started playin’, everybody yellin’ “WOO!”

And somehow that disaster date kept rolling through.

Oh no, Tinder turned to ancestry,

Family reunion chemistry,

Tryna act normal while we both agree,

“This might ruin Thanksgiving permanently.”

But she grabbed my hand with a devilish grin,

Said “You still got room in that Camry to spin?”

I said “Girl this town already talks enough…”

She said “Then let’s give ’em somethin’ good to discuss.”

Ridin’ down backroads, laughin’ way too hard,

Both of us prayin’ we ain’t share a backyard,

She said “If Grandma asks, we never met tonight,”

I said “Deal… but dang your eyeliner lookin’ right.”

Stopped at a gas station, bought some gummy bears,

Cashier looked at us like “Y’all siblings or a pair?”

We both yelled “NO!” way too fast and loud,

Now everybody in Buc-ee’s starin’ at us in the crowd.

She said “Honestly this kinda makes it thrillin’,”

I said “That sentence probably need some healin’,”

But the moon hit different and the radio was smooth,

And bad decisions started feelin’ like a mood.

Now I ain’t sayin’ this is how love should start,

Probably belongs in a true crime documentary part,

But we laughed so hard that we nearly cried,

Two accidental cousins on a chaotic night ride.

Oh no, Tinder turned to ancestry,

Family tree catastrophe,

But somehow she still kept flirtin’ back at me,

Like “Boy quit panickin’ and hand me the aux keys.”

Now every Thanksgiving I avoid eye contact,

Grandma keeps askin’ why we both wearin’ black,

And if you ask me what I learned from that night—

Read the family Facebook page before you swipe right.

Yeah…

Small towns dangerous, man…

One wrong swipe and you accidentally date somebody from the reunion cookout.