Mission: Rubber Impossible

Yo…

Why this condom package built like a military MRE?

I been staring at this corner for twenty minutes…

The lamp just winked at me, bro.

Walked in the room feelin’ smooth, feelin’ great,

Music too loud and the walls vibrate,

Shorty lookin’ at me like “you good?” — “yeah maybe…”

But the dresser just turned into a little crab baby.

Got the foil pack out, hands all shaky,

Read the instructions backwards in HD,

Tried to tear it open with my teeth real slow,

Thought the Trojan logo started puttin’ on a show.

Mirror started melting like grilled cheese toast,

I saluted my reflection like a military post,

One sock on, no pants, lights purple and green,

Why the hell my ceiling fan whispering to me?

I’m trippin’ balls tryin’ to put on a condom,

Fightin’ for my life like the latex won’t want none,

Roll it down once — nah wait that ain’t right,

Now I’m googlin’ tutorials at 2 in the night.

She said “baby hurry up,” I said “I’m doin’ my best,”

But the wrapper got me feelin’ like I failed a test,

One minute passed… felt like seven whole years,

I’m battlin’ a rubber while the lamp grows ears.

Finally got it open — victory dance started,

Then I dropped the condom and the whole room departed,

Thought the carpet was lava, bed started floatin’,

Dog lookin’ at me like “bro what are you smokin’?”

Tried to focus hard like a Navy SEAL mission,

But my brain buffering with zero transmission,

Put it on backwards three times in a row,

Now I’m standing there confused like “where’d my fingers go?”

Alexa started laughing from across the room,

I asked for Marvin Gaye, she played cartoon tunes,

Shorty in the bed eatin’ snacks gettin’ bored,

I’m over here negotiatin’ peace with the bathroom door.

I’m trippin’ balls tryin’ to put on a condom,

Sweatin’ so hard got me lookin’ like a possum,

Thought I had it on — nah bro that’s the thumb,

Now I’m apologizin’ to a bottle of rum.

She said “you almost done?” I said “girl I can’t tell,”

I just watched my nightstand open gates to hell,

Romance gone, now we both in tears,

‘Cause I fought one condom for like two whole years.

Why the wrapper so loud?

Why my knees feel backwards?

Why the TV breathing?

WHY IS THE CAT RAPPING?!

I’m trippin’ balls tryin’ to put on protection,

Lost in another damn dimension,

Mood went left but the story legendary,

Now we laughin’ in the kitchen eatin’ Pop-Tarts and berries.

Didn’t score, didn’t smash, didn’t even get far,

Spent the whole damn night arguing with a guitar,

But one thing learned from this psychedelic saga—

Never fight latex while talkin’ to the wallpaper, partner. 🎤