[Intro (Horns + Drums)]
[The Four bars of a classic ska horn stab riff — think "The Impression That I Get" but meaner.
Drums enter with a walking rim-shot pattern. Guitar upstrokes on the off-beat.]
[(Spoken, over the intro)]
"Attention all passengers. The next stop is… your spine. Please keep all limbs inside the vehicle. Or don't. I don't care."
---
[Verse 1]
[(Clean vocals, almost cheerful)]
I woke up in a dumpster
With a smile and a plan
I found a rusty megaphone
And a half-dead also-ran
He said "where we goin', lady?"
I said "buddy, hold my hand —
We're headin' for the vault
But we'll kill everyone in this land"
[(Horn hit on "land")]
---
[Chorus]
[(Full band, gang vocals on the last line)]
I'm the conductor of the POOP TRAIN! (TOOT TOOT!)
I'm the conductor of the POOP TRAIN! (TOOT TOOT!)
All aboard the meat express
Next stop — your face, I must confess
I'm the conductor of the POOP TRAIN! (TOOT TOOT!)
[(Horns play a descending melody that sounds like a train whistle going off the rails)]
---
Verse 2
[(More aggressive, starting to crack)]
I traded my ticket punch for a buzz axe blade
I punched a hole in reason and a skag ate my grade
The passengers are screamin' but they're also in the stew
I asked for salt and pepper — they gave me part of you
[(Drum fill — floor tom triplets)]
---
[Chorus (Repeat)]
[Same as above, but backing vocals add:
"CHOO CHOO, MOTHER—" (cut off by horn stab)]
---
[Bridge (Tempo drops to half-time — Rocksteady groove)]
[(Aimee, almost whispering)]
They told me I was crazy
I said "define the word"
They said "you wear a face you skinned"
I said "that's the third one this week, you heard?"
[(Silence for one beat)]
[Aimee (screaming):]
"I'M THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN — AND YOU'RE ALL JUST CABOOSE MEAT!"
[(Full band explosion back into tempo)]
---
[Guitar Solo (Ska-Punk style)]
[16 bars. Clean tone, fast, slightly sloppy — like someone learned to play yesterday but means it.
Ends with a pinch harmonic that squeals into the next chorus.]
---
[Chorus (Twice — faster, unhinged)]
[Tempo pushes. Drums switch to straight punk beat on the second repeat.
Aimee starts giggling during the horn hits.]
---
[Outro (Chaos)]
[(Spoken, over a single repeating horn note)]
"You know what my favorite part of the ride is?"
[(Drum fill)]
[(whispered into the mic, then screamed):]
"The part where you beg."
[(One massive, distorted horn blast. Then silence. Then a distant "TOOT TOOT" on a kazoo.)]
AsheTheHyena
