[Intro – Drunk Cowboy Vibe]
YEE-HAW!
If it pokes, it ain’t Charmin’…
Let me tell y’all what happened down in Tucson…
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[Verse 1]
Had tequila and tacos, my stomach said “BOOM!”
I ran to the bushes, no time, no room
I dropped my pants like a frat boy dare
But forgot to bring wipes — my cheeks were bare
I saw this plant, thought “That’ll do!”
Didn’t look close — had no clue
Rubbed it once, yelled “HOLY SH—OOTS!”
Now I moonwalk like I stepped in boots
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[Chorus – Everyone Yells!]
🎶
Don’t wipe your butt with a cactus!
It’s sharp, it’s mean, it’ll jack this!
Leaves you screamin’, butt all raw
Like you sat too long on your grandma’s saw
Nooooo! Don’t wipe your butt with a cactus!
It’ll stab your crack like a thousand axis
Feels like Satan did a backflip down there
So save your ass and pack some spare!
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[Verse 2]
I called my girl, said “I need ice!”
She said “Dumbass, I told you twice!”
Now I’m ridin' side-saddle, limpin' slow
With needles stickin' where the sun don’t go
No doctor wants this patient chart
Nurse said “Boy, that’s a work of art”
Even my dog won’t sniff my rear
Got PTSD from a desert smear
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[Chorus – Bigger, Louder, Rowdy!]
🎶
Don’t wipe your butt with a cactus!
It’s worse than drunk texts to your exes in Texas
It’s pokey, spikey, not your friend
You'll sit in ice ‘til your soul ascends
Nooooo! Don’t wipe your butt with a cactus!
If your butt’s in pain, that’s what the fact is
Mother Nature don’t mess around
She’ll turn your crack into battleground!
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[Bridge – Spoken like a PSA]
🎶
So if you party hard and nature calls…
Don’t be a cowboy, use bathroom stalls
Keep wipes in your glove box, stash some in your boot
Or next time you fart, you’ll shoot... bamboo flutes
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[Final Chorus – Everybody Claps, Swingin' Beat]
🎶
Don’t wipe your butt with a cactus!
Unless you wanna twerk like a wounded mantis
It ain’t a sponge, it ain’t a friend
It’s how good weekends meet a painful end
Nooooo! Don’t wipe your butt with a cactus!
Now I walk like I just took gymnastics
You’ve been warned, now spread the word
Tell every cowboy, drunk, and nerd!
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[Outro – Banjo & Harmonica Tagline]
🎶
Don’t let your cheeks meet desert doom…
BYOTP — Bring Your Own Toilet Paper, baby.
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