[Spoken Intro – Fast drums, sleigh bells shaking violently]
’Twas the night before Christmas…
and every store employee quit internally.
[Verse 1]
Doors fly open, stampede on sight,
Everyone running like the world ends tonight.
Grabbing random things they don’t even need—
“Why’d I buy a fish tank?!” BRO, I can’t even read.
Shelves half-empty, carts overflowing,
Someone grabbed ten wreaths without even knowing.
A dude in pajamas fighting for a gift card—
Welcome to Christmas… on HARD MODE.
[Pre-Chorus]
I can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t blink—
Who waits THIS long?! Bro, WHAT did you think??
[Chorus]
Last-minute lunatics, sprinting down the aisles,
Laughing, crying, causing chaos for miles.
Everyone’s stressed, demons unleashed—
Someone just suplexed an inflatable wreath.
Last-minute lunatics, zero chill in sight—
Merry Crisis, and a Chaotic Night!
[Verse 2]
A mom with three kids is searching for socks,
While dad’s in electronics throwing hands for an Xbox.
Someone yells, “THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EASY!”
Bro same… now I’m dizzy and queasy.
A guy grabs the last candle like it’s sacred lore,
Another tackles him gently to the floor.
I came for wrapping paper, maybe some tape—
Instead I’m witnessing humanity’s collapse in shape.
[Pre-Chorus 2]
Why is everyone here? Why am I here too?!
It’s December twenty-friggin’-two!
[Chorus]
Last-minute lunatics, racing like they’re late,
Buying random junk they’ll probably hate.
Every aisle’s a battlefield, holiday fight—
Someone wielding tinsel like a weapon of might.
Last-minute lunatics, sprinting toward despair—
Good luck, buddy… NOTHING’S THERE.
[Bridge – Tempo slows, choir chants]
We had…
eleven…
whole…
months…
to plan…
But did we??
No.
No we did not.
[Final Chorus]
Last-minute lunatics, chaos at its peak,
Discount rage building every week.
Sleigh bells ringing like alarm bells tonight—
Someone just tried to fistfight a light.
Last-minute lunatics, losing all control—
Merry Christmas, you absolute gremlins of soul!
[Spoken Outro – Wheezing, defeated]
“And I swear… next year…
I’m starting in October.
…Probably.”
TheTrinityOfMasks
