Mrs. Linda Got Me Trippin’

Yeah…

I was just tryna chill on the porch…

Then Mrs. Linda came outside in that leopard robe…

And my whole night went downhill.

Crossfaded on the porch at two A.M.,

Beer in my hand, eyes lazy again,

Tried to stand up, almost fought the lawn chair,

Then I seen Mrs. Linda with curlers in her hair.

She said, “Baby, you okay?” with a cigarette grin,

I said, “Girl, you look twenty-five…” she said, “Try again.”

I was higher than satellites over Tennessee,

Thought her mobility scooter was a Bentley GT.

She got bingo cards stacked in a Louis bag,

Hard candies hittin’ harder than the weed I had,

Talkin’ ‘bout her ex-husband Gerald was a clown,

Meanwhile I’m flirtin’ while my balance breakin’ down.

Crossfaded flirtin’ with the old lady neighbor,

Thought I had game but forgot her name later,

She called me “sweetheart,” I called her “baby,”

Now she makin’ grilled cheese like it’s 1980.

Crossfaded, losin’ my behavior,

Dancin’ in the driveway by a life-alert pager,

Whole neighborhood watchin’ like “dang…”

Why she chasin’ this dude with a cane?

She invited me inside for “Wheel of Fortune,”

I said “Hell yeah,” man the weed was important,

House smelled like lavender mixed with old books,

She said, “Come sit closer,” I got nervous and shook.

Cat named Richard judging me from the stairs,

Plastic on the couches everywhere,

She poured me whiskey from 1972,

I sneezed one time and she yelled “BLESS YOU!”

Now we slow dancin’ barefoot in the kitchen light,

She got stronger hands than a prison fight,

Told me back in ‘68 she was wild and mean,

Honestly… I believed everything.

She said, “Baby come help me feed the raccoons,”

I said, “Anything for you…” under porch-moon,

Now I’m shirtless holdin’ Ensure drinks,

Questionin’ every single life choice I think.

Then her grandson pulled up in a lifted truck,

Saw me on the porch and said, “What the—”

Mrs. Linda yelled, “THAT’S MY MAN!”

And I ran so fast I lost both Vans.

Crossfaded flirtin’ with the old lady neighbor,

Still smell like Bengay and black pepper flavor,

Woke up next mornin’ confused and sore,

Found crocheted boxers hangin’ on my door.

Crossfaded, lesson learned later,

Don’t mix tequila with a lonely old neighbor,

But lowkey… her meatloaf changed my life…

And I might go back next Wednesday night.

Yeah…

Mrs. Linda… call me sometime…

But not during bingo night.