Foundation

You call me strong because you've never seen me quit.

Not because I don't hurt.

Not because I don't break.

I just never had the option.

I held your hand when you wanted to die.

I held our son when he couldn't understand the world.

I held this family together with anxiety in my chest and fear in my stomach.

And I did it quietly.

Because somebody had to.

But somewhere along the way...

you stopped seeing me.

I became the guy who pays the bills.

The guy who fixes problems.

The guy who absorbs everyone else's pain.

And that's all I am now.

When you cry, I stop everything.

When I cry...

it's an inconvenience.

When your mental health slips,

the world slows down.

When mine does...

it feels like everyone expects me to keep carrying the weight anyway.

I'm so damn angry...

because I'm so damn hurt.

Because I keep screaming,

"I can't do this by myself anymore,"

and it feels like you hear the words

but never the weight behind them.

I'm not asking you to save me.

I'm asking you to notice me.

To see that the man you've leaned on for years

is on his knees.

I'm tired of being your stability.

I want to be your husband again.

I want to feel chosen.

I want to feel like I matter

even when I have nothing left to give.

You keep moving forward.

Making plans.

Thinking about your next step.

And I'm standing here wondering if I even exist in the same future.

Because lately...

I don't feel loved.

I feel needed.

I feel useful.

I feel like a tool.

Like if I disappeared tomorrow,

people would miss what I did for them

before they missed me.

Do you know how much that hurts?

To spend years sacrificing pieces of yourself

for people you'd die for...

and still feel invisible?

I'm not angry because I hate you.

I'm angry because I love you so much

and somehow still feel alone.

I'm angry because I keep choosing everyone else

while feeling like nobody chooses me.

I'm angry because I'm breaking

and I don't know how to ask for help anymore.

Because every time I try...

I feel like I become background noise.

My fears.

My depression.

My anxiety.

Background noise.

I don't need you to fix me.

I need you to sit beside me

and finally admit that I'm not okay.

That I'm not some unbreakable foundation.

I'm a man.

I'm exhausted.

I'm scared.

I'm hurting.

And I'm so close to tears because I don't know how much more of myself I can pour into everyone else...

before there's nothing left of me at all.