Scary Buttholes (Don’t Sneak Up Behind Me)

I was sittin’ on my porch, sippin’ moonshine tea,

When a breeze came 'round and whispered, "Hey, it's me..."

I turned around quick, dropped my can of beans,

There it was starin’ back—Lord, it was obscene!

Scary buttholes, lurkin’ in the night,

Peekin’ outta darkness, givin' folks a fright.

I don’t need no ghosts or ghouls or trolls,

I just scream at them creepy, sneaky buttholes!

My cousin Earl got one tatted on his chest,

Says it’s for protection—yeah, he ain't quite right, I guess.

Took it to church and the preacher screamed,

Said, “The Devil's eye is winking at me!”

Scary buttholes, they give me the chills,

Showin’ up in mirrors, haintin’ old windmills.

One winked at me from a possum hole,

Now I can’t unsee that puckered soul!

They’re in truck stop bathrooms… on Walmart walls…

That ain’t no eclipse, y’all, that’s a booty call…

Now I ain’t sayin’ I’m a nervous man,

But I wear steel undies and I got a plan:

If your pants are droopin’, I’m headin’ for the hills,

I don’t tango with no haunted buttcheeks thrills.

Scary buttholes, they’re out to get ya,

Poppin’ up faster than a hot burrito stretcha.

So grab your sage and your toilet rolls,

And pray away them scary, hairy buttholes!

Yeah, if the eyes are the windows to the soul…

Then buttholes are the attic where the raccoons go…