Well I walked in the bar with a half-drunk grin,
Pockets full of quarters and original sin.
Bartender said, “Boy, what’s your plan tonight?”
I said, “Lookin’ for love—or a decent fight.”
Two shots in, then I made my move,
She had a wild tattoo and a busted tooth.
Friends said, “Don’t do it,” I said, “Hell why not?”
'Cause whiskey whispers louder than a friend ever thought.
Drinkin’ and thinkin’ with no standards in sight,
Them beer goggles hittin’ just right tonight.
Titties all crooked, smiles half-missed,
But I’m two steps past carin’ and leanin’ in for a kiss.
Ugly’s just a word ‘til the morning light lands—
I’m the king of regrets and one-night stands.
Woke up on a couch with a stray raccoon,
Somethin’ howlin’ in the kitchen—hope it ain’t the moon.
She said, “You were wild,” I said, “I was drunk,”
Tryin’ to find my pants in a pile of junk.
She’s got a pet snake, three kids, and a rat,
And a tattoo on her stomach sayin’ “Mama's Back.”
Tried to sneak out fast, but the floorboards screamed,
And her chihuahua bit me where I used to dream.
Drinkin’ and thinkin’ with my dignity gone,
That “she looks good” lie don’t last too long.
Titties all lopsided, one’s lookin’ east,
But last night I swore she looked like a feast.
Ugly’s just a rumor ‘til the daylight lands—
I'm the mayor of mayhem and one-night stands.
Now I ain’t picky, I’m just well-lubricated,
And my standards drop faster when I’m over-inebriated.
A ten at two is a two at ten,
But I might still call her up again…
Yeah, drinkin’ and prayin’ she don’t text me back,
But if she do, well I might just relapse.
Titties still crooked, smile still weird,
But I got no shame and twelve more beers.
Ugly don’t scare me, I’ve shook worse hands—
Livin’ life loud through one-night stands.
So raise up your glass if you’ve done dumber stuff,
For love, for lust, or just not bein’ tough.
‘Cause hearts heal slow, but hangovers fade—
And there’s always new bad choices to be made!
LowlightFigures
