Joys of Aging

(Slide guitar intro solo)

Woke up this morning, the sun in my eyes,

But something below was starting to rise.

It’s stiff as a board, yeah, good morning wood,

But I just wanna pee—man, I wish I could.

'Cause the morning hurts in brand new ways,

My body's a traitor most of these days.

Gravity’s winning, my chest says so—

Boobs heading south like they’re late for a show.

Rolled outta bed with a middle-aged groan,

Cracked my back like an old trombone.

Sat on the couch with a coffee to sip—

Sat on my balls and busted my lip.

Used to be limber, used to be spry,

Now I grunt just to reach for a fry.

Used to be hot, like a sexy young sinner,

Now I need Tums just to finish my dinner.

Yeah, the morning hurts, but I’m still alive,

With my saggy old butt and my stiff 9-to-5.

I creak and I groan, but I still get it done—

Just slower, with naps, and orthopedic fun.

(Insert violin and electric guitar duet solo)

I passed the mirror and gave it a glance,

Said, "Whose dad is that in my underpants?"

The man in the glass just nodded and sighed,

“Enjoy the ride, kid—it’s a bumpy slide.”

The morning hurts, but I’ll take the pain,

With a stiff salute from my groin again.

Life’s got jokes, and they’re aging me fast—

But at least I’ve still got my sass... and my ass (mostly).