Have Grift, Will Travel (The Grifter Man)

He came online with his original lie,

Talkin’ ‘bout a plane that they zapped outta the sky.

Said he cracked the science, he solved the case,

But he’s never even known his ass from his face.

A plane up and disappeared - hearts were broke,

Ashton saddled up his grift, because to him it’s just a joke.

Two hundred thirty-nine souls, never came home,

But that ginger saw an opening and carved out a throne.

Now he’s talkin’ ‘bout science and magic plasma orbs,

Actin’ like a modern day Tesla, but is dumb as a door.

Fake-ass physics, self-taught pride,

Built his whole life on a wreck and a lie.

He ain’t got shame, just a livestream plan —

Lord, have mercy on the ginger Grifter Man.

Fancies himself a genius, a truth-seein’ sage,

But can’t do math past the fourth-grade page.

Talks about vectors, but can’t draw a line,

Claims he’s got “proof,” but he’ll share it some other time.

He says he knows quantum mechanics - yeah, he really says it,

But it’s all just sci-fi, scraped off some four chan bullshit.

A thousand hours of YouTube lore,

Can’t tell a ping ring from a damn screen door.

Now he’s screamin’ ‘bout nukes in the And a Man Sea,

That plot twist came as a shock - even to me.

Missin’ time zones, missin’ truth,

But he’ll sell you hope in a Facebook group.

He don’t want facts, just a cult and a brand —

All rise, y’all, for the ginger Grifter Man.

He’ll say Sierra Nevada knows where the orbs were sent,

By some deep state force with dark intent.

But he’s just a sad, manic boy screamin’ at fate,

Tryna turn heartbreak into clickbait.

Ashton’s probably an inn sell - at least that’s the way it seems,

Now he’s beggin’ online strangers to believe his bullshit dreams.

Burned every bridge, played every card,

Even stalks the folks who call him a fraud.

He’ll twist your words, he’ll spin that tale,

But when you press too hard, he always bails.

He ain’t a hero, he ain’t a sleuth —

He’s just a little ginger boy who’s allergic to truth.

Now he’s sellin’ merch and fake free energy,

With cult fanboys shoutin’ “Ashton, set us free!”

But that plane don’t rise with your Reddit thread,

And your “secrets” ain’t justice for the dead.

You can scream on Twitter, make your stand —

But you’ll always be the ginger Grifter Man.

So here’s to the folks still lookin’ for peace,

Not chasin’ ghosts or conspiracy tweets.

You took their pain and you made a brand,

But time don’t lie, and karma’s got hands.

We’ll light a candle, you chase the scam —

Forever lost, that Grifter Man.