I’m sorry

I’m talking to you like you’re still here

Same eyes, just a different year

You’d hate the way I close myself off

Second-guessing every laugh

You used to trust without a doubt

Now I trace every detail out

You’d call me out for all these walls

Say I don’t feel things like I did at all

And I can hear you in my head

Every promise that I said

Chorus

I became what I swore I’d never be

Over medicated and anxiety ridden

Reading into everything

Turning small into something

You’d say, “that’s not you, not at all”

But I’ve changed since the fall

And I hate that you’d see me this way

But I’m not who you knew today

You’d hate the nights I stay awake

Overthinking every mistake

You slept easy, you felt safe

Now I flinch at every change

You believed in what you saw

I look deeper for the flaw

You’d say I’m ruining my mind

But you weren’t there at the time

You’d say, “just let it go, move on”

But it’s not that simple when it’s gone

I became what I swore I’d never be

Over medicated and anxiety ridden

Reading into everything

Turning small into something

You’d say, “that’s not you, not at all”

But I’ve changed since the fall

And I hate that you’d see me this way

But I’m not who you knew today

I said I’d never push away

People who were there to stay

Said I’d never doubt so fast

Or let one moment shape my past

But here I am, doing it all

Building up another wall

You’d be disappointed, I know

But you didn’t see it unfold

You’d hate the way I scan a room

Like danger’s always coming soon

Every glance feels sharp and loud

Like I’m exposed within a crowd

I used to walk in, head held high

Now I avoid and wonder why

You’d tell me I’m still safe to be

But it don’t feel that way to me

And work don’t feel the same no more

Different eyes than ones before

I swear they see it on my face

Like something’s shifted out of place

I keep it in, I act alright

But carry it through every night

You’d say, “don’t let them change your view”

But it’s already changing you

And I’m so angry all the time

Short fuse, losing peace of mind

Little things just set me off

Words feel sharp, the world feels rough

You’d hate the way I’ve learnt to cope

Clinging onto pills and hope

But even then I’m stuck the same

Still feeling helpless in the pain

I wish I could explain it right

How something small rewired my mind

How trust just doesn’t feel the same

How everything now feels like a game

You’d say, “don’t let it change your heart”

But it already tore that part

I became what I swore I’d never be

Guarded thoughts and apathy

Questioning what’s real or not

Losing parts of what I’ve got

You’d say, “that’s not you, fight it back”

But I don’t know where I’m at

And I hate that you’d see me this way

But I’m trying to be you again someday

If you could see me standing here

You’d see the change, you’d feel the fear

I’m still me, just not the same

Trying to carry both the pain

I’m sorry.