10.9.8..Zero

Ten seconds left standing outside the door,

Keys shaking in my hand like before,

Rain dripping from my hoodie sleeves,

Streetlights flickering over me.

Nine seconds and my chest locks tight,

Whole world blurry under white headlights,

I can hear my heartbeat through my ears

Like my body’s trying to disappear.

Eight seconds and I almost leave,

Turn around before anybody sees

How wrecked I look underneath the skin,

How hard it is just to exist.

Seven seconds and I force a breath,

Taste smoke and blood inside my chest,

There’s broken nails pressed in my palms

Trying to keep myself calm.

And every second feels too loud tonight…

Six… five…

I can barely stay alive,

Four… three…

Something’s swallowing me whole underneath.

Two… one…

I don’t know what I’ve become,

But the clock keeps counting down

Even when you’re falling apart now.

Ten steps down the empty hall,

Fluorescent lights and hospital walls,

Everybody speaking way too soft

Like they’re scared I’ll come undone.

Nine thoughts spinning through my head,

All the things I should’ve said,

All the nights I swore were my last

Still hanging over me like glass.

Eight scars hidden underneath black clothes,

Seven lies everybody knows,

Six missed calls lighting up my phone,

Five more nights scared to be alone.

Four pills sitting in my hand,

Three deep breaths I barely stand,

Two red eyes in the bathroom glass,

One version of me I can’t get back.

Six… five…

I can barely stay alive,

Four… three…

Every memory cuts through me.

Two… one…

I still don’t know what I’ve become,

But the clock keeps counting down

And somehow I’m still here now.

Zero.

Silence.

And for a second

Nothing hurts.

No voices.

No panic.

No noise inside my skull.

Just breathing.

Slow.

Uneven.

Human.

And maybe that’s enough tonight.

Six… five…

I think I’m finally realizing

Four… three…

Survival still means something to me.

Two… one…

Maybe I don’t have to run,

Maybe healing starts somehow

By making it through right now.

Ten seconds can change a life.

Sometimes staying

Is the hardest part.