[Spoken Word- Not Sung]
[sleigh bells in the background]
"Jingle bells—"
"Oh no…"
"Not this again."
[Intro - Instrumental - Fast punk riff + sleigh bells]
[Verse 1]
I came in for one thing, five minutes max,
Now I’m stuck behind a cart full of random snacks.
The line snakes back like a horror show,
Why is everyone arguing with the register, bro?
Someone paying in coins from 1983,
Someone else forgot their PIN, now staring at me.
I check my watch—time no longer exists,
I’ve aged six years just standing like this.
[Pre-Chorus]
I hear the music looping for the fifth damn time,
If I hear that bell again I might commit a crime
(Allegedly.)
[Chorus]
Jingle bells, this line is hell,
Why are we all still standing here?
One cashier, twenty souls,
Patience hanging by a thread of cheer.
Jingle bells, this line is hell,
I swear it wasn’t this long before—
I just wanted one damn thing,
Now I live here at register four.
[Verse 2]
Someone’s returning socks they clearly wore,
Someone yelling “YOU SCANNED IT WRONG” at the store.
A kid is screaming like he’s being exorcised,
Meanwhile the card reader’s thinking about life.
The person ahead just discovered coupons,
Printed at home, handwritten, probably cursed.
I’m smiling politely like I’m totally fine,
But inside my brain is screaming “IT’S MY TURN IN LINE.”
[Pre-Chorus 2]
Every beep, every scan, every awkward delay,
This should not take fifteen minutes per tray.
[Chorus]
Jingle bells, this line is hell,
Silent Night is a LIE.
I’ve memorized the gum rack SKUs,
And the kid behind me’s in my spine.
Jingle bells, this line is hell,
Why does time move like glue?
If one more person says “It’ll just be a sec,”
I’m checking out emotionally too.
[Bridge – impatient, sarcastic chant]
Open…
Another…
LANE.
Open…
Another…
LANE.
You see us.
We see you.
WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING.
[Final Chorus – Full-speed meltdown]
Jingle bells, this line is hell,
I’ve made peace with my fate.
I’ve bonded with strangers, learned their life stories,
We’re basically a support group now, great.
Jingle bells, this line is hell,
Merry Christmas to me—
I just wanted to pay and leave the store,
But the store has claimed me eternally.
[Outro - Instrumental]
[Spoken Word - exhausted]
“…I should’ve used self-checkout.”
“…oh wait—
that line’s worse.”
TheTrinityOfMasks
