Merry Christmas, Move Your Ass

[Spoken Word - dry]

Merry Christmas.
Love, joy, peace on Earth…
Now MOVE.

[Intro - Instrumental]

[Verse 1]

I’ve been patient, I’ve been kind,
I’ve said “excuse me” way too many times.
You stopped dead center, checked your phone,
Congratulations—now nobody goes.

Cart sideways, blocking the lane,
Like spatial awareness is seasonal pain.
I don’t need miracles, don’t need a sign,
Just pick a SIDE and WALK IN A LINE.

[Pre-Chorus]

I tried the smile, I tried the grace,
Now my eye’s twitching in a festive way.

[Chorus]

Merry Christmas, move your ass,
This aisle ain’t built for you to camp.
Joy to the world, goodwill to men—
BUT NOT IF YOU’RE STOPPING US AGAIN.
Merry Christmas, bless your heart,
But MOVE LIKE YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY PART.
Fa-la-la-la—DON’T JUST STAND,
Merry Christmas, MOVE YOUR ASS.

[Verse 2]

I’ve dodged strollers, carts, and feet,
Someone’s holding a family meet.
You’re telling a story from 2009,
While ten of us are trapped behind.

You hear footsteps, you feel the stare,
And still decide to stop right there.
I don’t want war, I don’t want sass,
Just basic movement—WHY IS THIS A TASK?

[Pre-Chorus 2]

It’s not personal, it’s not hate,
It’s TRAFFIC FLOW, not a debate.

[Chorus]

Merry Christmas, move your ass,
I’ve got places I’d like to pass.
Deck the halls, not the aisle,
You’ve been standing there a while.
Merry Christmas, spread some cheer—
BY CLEARING A PATH FOR EVERYONE HERE.
Fa-la-la-la—UNDERSTAND,
Merry Christmas, MOVE YOUR ASS.

[Bridge – Chant, crowd-safe, Zona-proof]

MOVE.
MOVE.
MOVE TO THE SIDE.

MOVE.
MOVE.
PICK A LANE AND RIDE.

MOVE.
MOVE.
THIS AIN’T HARD—
WALK LIKE A FUNCTIONING HUMAN, GUARD.

[Final Chorus – Full meltdown]

Merry Christmas, move your ass,
Last nerve snapped, congratulations.
Peace on Earth is hanging by thread,
And YOU’RE THE REASON IT’S ALMOST DEAD.
Merry Christmas, season’s bright—
NOW TAKE THREE STEPS TO YOUR RIGHT.
Fa-la-la-la—HOLY CRAP,
Merry Christmas, MOVE. YOUR. ASS.

[Outro – Instrumental] 

[Spoken Word - calm, terrifyingly polite]

Thank you.
Happy holidays.
We appreciate your cooperation.

Male Vocals, Christmas/Punk Rock/Hard Rock, Holiday Theme, Sleigh Bells, Funny, Aggressive, Forced Politeness