Letters don't leave

I’m so tired of writing pain

Like ink is the only thing that stays

Every letter sounds the same now

“Please don’t leave me… please don’t change…”

I write Drew until my hands ache

Trying to explain a heart that breaks

In a hundred different ways a day

But paper never makes hurt go away

And I swear I’m trying

God knows I’m trying

But life keeps ripping people from my hands

Everybody says they love me

Till loving me gets hard

Then I’m standing in the wreckage again

I gave people every soft piece of me

Till there’s barely anything left breathing

Now I look in mirrors and see someone

Who’s only surviving for everyone else

Because without my babies

Without Drew’s voice

I don’t think this world would hear mine anymore

They’re the only reason

I still wake up

The only reason I keep unlocking that door

There’s nights I sit crying so hard

I can’t even breathe right

Wondering why love always feels temporary in my life

Wondering why everybody promises forever

Then disappears when I need them most

And maybe I’m too broken

Maybe I love too deep

Maybe I ask for too much

Just wanting someone not to leave

I’m exhausted from pretending I’m okay

Exhausted from hearing “be strong”

When I’ve been strong for way too fucking long

Strong while homeless

Strong while hungry

Strong while my heart keeps splitting open quietly

People don’t see the nights

I stare at my kids sleeping

And cry because they deserve better than this pain

Don’t see me shaking in gas station parking lots

Trying to hide panic attacks

Trying to make pennies feel like miracles again

And Drew…

God I miss my husband

I miss feeling protected

I miss feeling wanted without fear attached to it

I miss when love didn’t feel like survival

Now every phone call feels too short

Every goodbye tears skin off my chest

And when we fight

It destroys me more than I say

Because even angry

Even broken

Even distant

He’s still my person

That man owns my soul

Nobody else will ever touch

And I know I’m hard to love

I know trauma made me jealous

Made me scared

Made me overthink silence like abandonment

But I swear all I ever wanted

Was reassurance

Loyalty

A place to finally rest my heart

Instead life keeps teaching me

People leave

People lie

People stop choosing you

Without warning

So I pour everything into letters

Because pages can’t walk away from me

Pages don’t judge me for crying

Pages don’t call me crazy for hurting

Pages just listen

But even letters never hug me back

And honestly?

I’m scared of how empty I’m becoming

Scared one day I’ll wake up

And have nothing left inside me to give

Because I’ve spent years bleeding love into everyone else

While slowly disappearing myself

But then my babies laugh

Or I hear Drew’s voice

And for a second

The darkness backs away

For one second

I remember why I’m still here

So I’ll keep writing

Keep loving

Keep surviving somehow

Even when my chest feels caved in

Even when life keeps taking from me

Because if my children still need their mama

And Drew still needs his wife