They’re Goin’ Where the Sun Don’t Shine

Well I woke up this mornin’ with a feelin’ of dread,

Doctor said, “It’s time, boy, we look in your head…

Well, the one that’s southbound, where the sun don’t glow,”

I near passed out just hearin’ that, oh no no no!

They’re goin’ where the sun don’t shine,

With a hose and a scope and a bright headlight.

I said, “Doc, please don’t sneak up from behind,”

They’re goin’ where the sun don’t shine.

⸻

I’m short but my fear is tall as a pine,

That prep drink hit like moonshine mixed with turpentine.

Been sittin’ on porcelain like it’s my new bride,

Just prayin’ I don’t launch into the sky!

They’re goin’ where the sun don’t shine,

Lord, I’m clenchin’ like a rusty ol’ clothesline.

I said, “Doc, just treat my cheeks real kind,”

They’re goin’ where the sun don’t shine.

⸻

Mama said, “Boy, it’s for your own good,”

But I still wish I could knock on wood.

They say it’s routine, nothin’ to fear,

But I saw the size of that scope and I shed a tear.

Nurse came in with gloves to her elbow joint,

Said, “Just relax, we’ll make our point.”

I said, “Ma’am, if I fart, it ain’t personal,

But my rear’s in shock, it’s reversible!”

They’re goin’ where the sun don’t shine,

With a camera crew like it’s primetime.

If my butt had a door, it’d have a ‘Do Not Enter’ sign,

They’re goin’ where the sun don’t shine.

⸻

Now I’m countin’ down while the meds kick in,

Got a soft blankie and a nervous grin.

Doc said, “Ten, nine…” I said, “Whoa, wait a sec—

Can’t we just X-ray my redneck?!”

They’re goin’ where the sun don’t shine,

With lube and lights like a coal mine.

I might come out with new insight divine,

They’re goin’ where the sun don’t shine.

⸻

So if you’re scared and your knees feel weak,

Just sing this song when they scope your cheeks.

It’s a trip through the tunnel, just once a year,

Just hold real still… and protect your rear!

They’re goin’ where the sun don’t shine,

Like a spelunker chasin’ gold in a mine.

I survived, now my colon’s doin’ fine—

They done gone where the sun don’t shine.