(Verse 1)
Oh, my name is Fred, and I’m lookin’ for love,
Dreamin’ of a lady sent from up above.
But there’s one small hitch, and it ain’t no lie,
When I get nervous, my gas lets fly.
On a first date, I’m cool as can be,
But when she smiles, oh, it’s a symphony!
The more I like her, the worse it gets,
My farts could clear a room full of pets.(Chorus)
Toot-toot, oh no, there goes my chance,
My heart wants love, but my butt’s got plans.
She leans in close, and I start to sweat,
Then a ripper roars, and she’s out the net.
Oh, I’m Farty Fred, with a cloud of doom,
My nervous gas is clearin’ the room.
But I’m hopin’ one day I’ll find my queen,
Who don’t mind the breeze from my ol’ machine.
(Verse 2)
I took out Sally to a fancy café,
Thought I’d keep it chill, keep the farts at bay.
But she touched my hand, said, “You’re kinda sweet,”
And my gut replied with a thunderous beat.
The waiter dropped plates, the folks all stared,
Sally grabbed her purse, and she wasn’t spared.
I tried deep breaths, I tried holdin’ tight,
But my nerves let loose in the pale moonlight.
(Chorus)
Toot-toot, oh no, there goes my date,
My love’s runnin’ faster than a freight train’s weight.
She wants a kiss, but I’m turnin’ red,
‘Cause my backside’s singin’ like a whoopee bed.
Oh, I’m Farty Fred, with a stinky curse,
My heart’s in a race, but my gas is worse.
But I’m prayin’ I’ll find that one true gal,
Who don’t mind my fumes or my windy tale.(Bridge)
Then one fine day, I found my fix,
A doc gave me pills, said, “These’ll do tricks!”
No more eruptions, no more disgrace,
I could court a lady without fumblin’ the race.
I met sweet Jenny, with eyes so bright,
Took her to dinner, and it felt just right.
No nervous toots, no clouds in the air,
I popped the question, and she said, “I’m there!”
(Verse 3)
The weddin’ day came, I was cool as a breeze,
Walkin’ down the aisle with the greatest of ease.
But when Jenny said “I do” with a nervous grin,
A sound like a tuba came rumblin’ from within.
She turned bright red, and the preacher did choke,
Her dress fluttered up from the wind she provoked!
The crowd went silent, then I gave a laugh,
“Darlin’, we’re a match—two peas with gas!”
(Chorus)
Toot-toot, oh yes, we’re a perfect pair,
Our love’s so strong, it don’t need clean air.
From nervous farts to wedded bliss,
We’re livin’ our life with a stinky twist.
Oh, I’m Farty Fred, and she’s Farty Jen,
Our love’s forever, through the thick and thin.
With a toot and a giggle, we’re livin’ the dream,
Two gassy hearts in a flatulent team!(Outro)
So here’s to us, with our windy romance,
We’re proof love can thrive in a gaseous expanse.
If you’re nervous and tootin’, don’t you despair,
Your match is out there, with a whiff to share!
Toot-toot!
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