“You’ll never be heard.“
“You’ll never be enough.”
“You will always be misunderstood, nothing but a failure… a mess maker“
These were the lies that deeply rooted themselves and constantly warred within my mind. An alternate reality that left me standing at the front lines of a battlefield.
From being an outgoing, creative girl with no care in the world, I became one that felt the weight of the world was crushing on top of her. It was never my weight to bear. But I felt as if I had been thrown under an invisible cloak. I was unseen, brushed off as nothing.
I was only 13 when I began to feel insufficient in every way. I am now 30.
In school, there were boys who would snap the back of my bra. They would bring up the “fact” that my bra enhanced the womanhood of my breasts and that it was “inappropriate.” A hand would touch my thigh, and they would mention how huge it looked.
In dance class, I compared myself to all the other girls who were skinny and elegant looking. The teacher weighed and measured me for my dance costumes. Apparently weighing 125 pounds meant being overweight for my height combination. This led to an eating disorder of only eating once a day at dinner time, dropping my weight to 98 pounds within a matter of two months. Food became my enemy and distorted and disrupted me from having a healthy diet to this day.
With the constant triggered fear of being rejected from anyone and anything, I bottled up my feelings. I felt a loss of control over my life, pain that only seemed relieved by cutting myself or starving in secret. Physically revealing my internal wounds with the cuts and starving weight loss. Sometimes I used it as self-punishment when I felt that I had messed up yet again.
In my brokenness and isolation, the walls of my room became my best friend (besides my cat, pillow, and teddy bear) they saw my tears, my pain, my struggles. But they also saw my prayers and worship through dancing and singing.
I was never truly alone. There was another best friend that saw me through it all. The Holy Spirit was my comforter and healer. My struggles at a young age, drew me closer in my relationship with Christ. It strengthened my faith that even when I felt as though I were alone in a pit of darkness, he was there for me.
It is easy to forget to cry out to the one who has saved you, when your mind’s tormented and focused on worldly things. God wants to remind us that he is by our side, waiting for us to call upon his name. He knows your thoughts before you even think them. He knows you and he sees you. He loves you.
“1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.” Psalm 40:1-3
“11 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet p
