Eleven

mm-mm

I was eleven

and already tired of existing

school shoes, rain stains

sick feeling on Monday mornings

fake smile, long sleeves

counting cracks across the ceiling

head down through the hallways

praying nobody says my name

every laugh sounded personal

every mirror looked wrong again

late night, empty swings

streetlights blur through watering eyes

walking circles round the block

just to feel gone for a while

so I learned silence early

like disappearing was safer

I was eleven

trying not to fall apart quietly

(eleven)

way too young to carry this inside me

whole world felt unfamiliar

even people meant to care

and nobody noticed

how much pain was sitting there

oh-oh

I learned how to hide everything

(hide everything)

yeah-yeah

cause hurting quietly looked easier

I was eleven…

and already trying not to exist

(head down, headphones on)

trying to disappear again

(cold nights, bathroom lights)

nobody knew where my mind went

late nights, TV glow

trying to stay invisible

standing frozen in the hallway

feeling emotionally difficult

dad-shaped emptiness

sitting heavy on my chest

thinking if I was better somehow

maybe he would’ve wanted me then

small cuts, cold sink

silence dripping in the dark

didn’t wanna die completely

just wanted the hurting to stop

nobody asks questions

when the quiet kid gets quieter

I was eleven

trying not to break emotionally

(eleven)

while everybody looked straight through me

every day felt heavy

every room felt unsafe

and nobody realised

I was disappearing more each day

oh-oh

I still feel echoes of it now

(feel it now)

yeah-yeah

like loneliness grew into my skin

I was eleven…

and nobody saw how bad it got

maybe there was never something wrong with me

maybe I was just hurting somewhere nobody could see

I was eleven

holding pain I didn’t understand yet

(eleven)

trying to survive feelings bigger than me

and maybe I just needed somebody

to notice I was drowning quietly

before loneliness became

part of my identity

oh-oh

I still carry that feeling sometimes

(sometimes)

yeah-yeah

like abandonment follows me home

I was eleven…

and I still remember everything

school shoes

rain stains

bathroom lights

age eleven