Turtlehead Traffic Jam

Verse 1]

Well I woke up late, grabbed a biscuit and jam,

Had a gas station burrito, Lord, I didn’t give a damn.

Now I’m sittin’ in my truck, just a mile from my door,

But my bowels are knockin’ like a grizzly at the store.

🎵 I got a turtlehead peekin’, it’s a bad situation,

Feelin’ like I’m losin’ in a brown-hued confrontation.

Ten cars deep in this highway logjam,

Somebody pray for me in this turtlehead traffic jam. 🎵

There’s a Prius in front, and a diesel behind,

I’m clenchin’ so hard I think I just went blind.

That coffee kicked in, like a mule on moonshine,

And my butt’s beggin’ Jesus for a bathroom sign.

🎵 I got a turtlehead peekin’, sweatin’ through my shirt,

Every bump in this road makes my poor soul hurt.

Stuck in a line like a county fair ham,

Oh Lord have mercy, it’s a turtlehead traffic jam. 🎵

[Bridge] (spoken like a preacher)

Now I don’t mean to be crude or obscene,

But this pressure down yonder ain’t nothin’ too clean.

I’m prayin’ to the Lord, Saint John on the throne,

If I don’t make it soon, I might go full cologne!

I tried breathin’ deep, doin’ Kegels in my seat,

But this demon in my gut’s got me beggin’ for defeat.

I saw a bush on the shoulder—thought about it twice,

But there’s state troopers watchin’ with binocular eyes.

🎵 I got a turtlehead peekin’, it’s knockin’ at the door,

Clinchin’ tighter than a tick on a two-dollar wh—whoa!

This ain’t how I planned to meet Uncle Sam,

Stuck in a stink of a turtlehead traffic jam. 🎵

🎵 I got a turtlehead peekin’, Lord take the wheel,

This tailgate tension is all too real.

One mile from glory, but I don’t give a damn,

Might just moon the moon in this turtlehead traffic jam. 🎵

If I don’t make it… tell my mama I love her…

And bury me in denim… with a toilet seat cover…