Verse 1]
Well I woke up late, grabbed a biscuit and jam,
Had a gas station burrito, Lord, I didn’t give a damn.
Now I’m sittin’ in my truck, just a mile from my door,
But my bowels are knockin’ like a grizzly at the store.
[Chorus]
🎵 I got a turtlehead peekin’, it’s a bad situation,
Feelin’ like I’m losin’ in a brown-hued confrontation.
Ten cars deep in this highway logjam,
Somebody pray for me in this turtlehead traffic jam. 🎵
[Verse 2]
There’s a Prius in front, and a diesel behind,
I’m clenchin’ so hard I think I just went blind.
That coffee kicked in, like a mule on moonshine,
And my butt’s beggin’ Jesus for a bathroom sign.
[Chorus]
🎵 I got a turtlehead peekin’, sweatin’ through my shirt,
Every bump in this road makes my poor soul hurt.
Stuck in a line like a county fair ham,
Oh Lord have mercy, it’s a turtlehead traffic jam. 🎵
[Bridge] (spoken like a preacher)
Now I don’t mean to be crude or obscene,
But this pressure down yonder ain’t nothin’ too clean.
I’m prayin’ to the Lord, Saint John on the throne,
If I don’t make it soon, I might go full cologne!
[Verse 3]
I tried breathin’ deep, doin’ Kegels in my seat,
But this demon in my gut’s got me beggin’ for defeat.
I saw a bush on the shoulder—thought about it twice,
But there’s state troopers watchin’ with binocular eyes.
[Chorus]
🎵 I got a turtlehead peekin’, it’s knockin’ at the door,
Clinchin’ tighter than a tick on a two-dollar wh—whoa!
This ain’t how I planned to meet Uncle Sam,
Stuck in a stink of a turtlehead traffic jam. 🎵
[Final Chorus]
🎵 I got a turtlehead peekin’, Lord take the wheel,
This tailgate tension is all too real.
One mile from glory, but I don’t give a damn,
Might just moon the moon in this turtlehead traffic jam. 🎵
[Outro – Spoken with a groan]
If I don’t make it… tell my mama I love her…
And bury me in denim… with a toilet seat cover…
SchmooPac
