Nowhere To Stand

I grew up learning silence like it kept me safe

Tiptoe through the tension

All I wanted was love & attention

Learning what I was, a waste of space

Shut inside a dark room

Hands over ears, try to block it out

Holding my breath, don’t make a sound

All I wanted to do was scream & shout

Now I’m older, still feel guilty just for standing my ground

I still think about it when no one’s around

They said be a woman, like it comes with a guide

I’m not a girl anymore, I can’t just hide

But no one told me what to do with this rage

Or how to love a child, they locked in a cage

I survived it all

I carried the weight

But nobody tells you what comes after the pain

I don’t know where I stand anymore

Built from the wreckage but I’m still unsure

I fought so hard just to breathe, just to live

Now I’m stuck with a life I don’t know how to give

They said

Grow up, this is your role

But it feels like I’m losing pieces of my soul

If I made it out, then what was it for?

I still don’t know where I stand anymore

The nights have been colder

I’ve eaten regret

Now I’m getting older

Thinking that’s as good as I’ll get

Held onto hope

All the sacrifices, just took away who I used to be

I left everything just to try to survive

Cut off pieces just to remain here

Now I look in the mirror and I don’t recognise

The girl who kept fighting just to stay alive

They call it strength but it feels like a lie

I’m still here breaking inside

I don’t know where I stand anymore

Built from the wreckage but I’m still unsure

I fought so hard just to breathe, just to live

Now I’m stuck with a life I don’t know how to give

They said

One day, you’ll have your own place

But it’s my past I’m scared to face

It feels like I’m losing pieces of my soul

If I made it out, then what was it for?

I don’t know where I fucking stand anymore

What if I don’t want this life?

What if my body is too broken?

What if I can’t be a mother?

What if I can’t be the perfect wife?

I know I’m not perfect

What happens if I’m outspoken?

I don’t want to be just another

Another name

What about the trauma they left in my brain?

I bled for this

I broke for this

Carried every scar like I owe them this

I still bleed

I’m still broken

They can’t fix me

You can fix me

You don’t see it

You don’t feel it

They say I should be grateful

Grateful for what?

The pain?

The lessons forced on me?

The silence?

The life that doesn’t feel like mine?

Grateful for the person they forced me to be?

I just don’t know where I stand anymore

I let go of the rage, but I still give it my all

I fought so hard just to breathe, just to live

Now I don’t even know who the fuck this is

If I made it out, then what was it for?

What for?

I don’t know where I stand…

I don’t know who I am anymore

All that fighting

All that pain

Just to end up…

Feeling the same