Lying

I feel the snapping phase coming up so I have to get into my mediative state or I will cause a state my mind's high rate everything is not great I need space you making me feel disgraced SNAPPING PHASE is coming and it's come fast and you'll be over in a haze my mind going blank am feeling like a tank ready to destroy anything that's passes me SO I HAVE TO LOCK MYSELF AWAY From THE PUBLIC of am going to end up public man slaughters and slaughters everyone in sight.

My minds hyped my adrenaline glands are moving fast my heart rate is getting quicker my blood flow is becoming thicker my nervous system is closing down to prevent any pain so I can gain the strength to unleash the beast who r Ady for a feast.

Need to get into my meditative state as I need the climb down from the Heightened sound of my fate this isn't FUCKING GREAT !! Why my struggling to regulate my emotions they are rife and am looking for knives to start slicing and dicing MOTHERFUCKERS TONIGHT!!!!.

Same time last week I was building up the courage to speak to the people of the mental health team in the A&E carpark for the same FUCKING REASON am realising my inner demons and trying to Suppress them for the best version so I can endure the connection of self and relax my minds health my hearts broken the family is broken the marriage is broken There's no fixing this fate I may as well leave to create a new life I always wanted a wife but this is turning me to the fucking knife.

I place I strongly try to avoid as I have been nill and void before and attempted the suicide 3 times before this maybe four now as an sick of this prison am trapped inside my own head and my distinguished reality all I see is distortion around me I have hurt many people in my life and I just can face the fact and the surface as I just want to move away and get back on track am sick to the back TEETH of all this bullshit I need out please help me get out my life's full of lies and spies and false promises and words.

Getting questioned daily it's like living in a detective company I can't even be myself or use my own fucking money for things I want as am made to feel bad as I have a family and that which I get but we also have needs to we can sacrifice everything for everyone else then we end up broke and nothing to show I can't even stand proud I hate myself and I always will there no fixing that as am just a fucking RAT Whose NEEDING TRAPPED AND THERE NECK SNAPPED MY THE RAT TRAP.

I hate my life and I hate myself for living in this constant questioning and this constant connection I am un connected with my brain heart and soul am just lying dead in the chambers inside my head so I try to bring the meditation to see the information and get a grip of the harassment and having daily but I can seem to see where my life is lying am just more conscious of dying.

I've been lying to myself daily uh