Numb Isn’t Free

I don’t want it…

I just don’t want to feel.

I learned young what escape looks like,

Not in a needle just smoke and a glass pipe.

Watched love disappear in a chemical haze,

Watched people fade out while they swore they’d stay.

I said I’d never be that, swore I’d choose different

Funny how pain finds its own kind of entrance.

Mine came quiet, didn’t burn, didn’t scream,

Just a bottle, a pill, and a soft place to sleep.

And I remember that feeling like it’s calling me back,

Like a ghost in my veins, like a map I can track.

Like I know the way out, like I know the escape

Like I could disappear without leaving a trace.

And I hate that I miss it

That’s the part no one says.

Not the chaos, not the crash

Just the silence in my head.

I don’t want to go back, but I want to feel numb,

Want the weight off my chest, want the thoughts to go dumb.

Yeah, I know where that road goes, I’ve buried that me

But sometimes “almost free” still don’t feel like free.

So I sit with the craving, let it scream, let it burn,

‘Cause I fought way too hard for the life that I earned.

I don’t want it… I just don’t want to feel

And that might be the hardest kind of healing that’s real.

It wasn’t their poison, but it still took hold,

Different kind of devil, same story gets told.

Little white lies in a capsule disguise,

Turn a storm in your chest into silence inside.

Xanax nights, MDMA lights,

Pain pills telling me I’d be alright

But “alright” came with a price I know,

‘Cause it takes everything just to let you go.

Hospital bed, IV drip in my arm,

They say “it’s just for pain,” I know what that starts.

I let it in ‘cause I have to, not because I forgot

But I watch it real close like a loaded gun cocked.

No script going home, no “just in case,”

‘Cause I know “just one time” turns into a chase.

And I’ve outrun hell, I’m not circling back

I didn’t crawl out alive just to fall through the cracks.

But numb isn’t peace… it’s just borrowed air,

Feels like relief but there’s nothing there.

And I didn’t fight nine years just to fade like that,

Didn’t rebuild my life just to hand it all back.

I didn’t follow their path—but I still found the same end,

Different road, same cliff, same lie dressed as a friend.

I don’t want to go back, but I want to feel numb,

Want the weight off my chest, want the thoughts to go dumb.

Yeah, I know where that road goes, I’ve buried that me

But sometimes “almost free” still don’t feel like free.

So I sit with the craving, let it scream, let it burn,

‘Cause I fought way too hard for the life that I earned.

I don’t want it… I just don’t want to feel

And choosing that pain is what makes this real.

I could look.

I could find it.

…but I won’t.