[Intro – Spoken]
[with echo FX]
Yo… People keep asking me…
"Jason, where’s your hair at?"
I say… ON MY HEAD, BABY.
Just... really, really invisible.
[Verse 1]
I wake up every morning, give my locks a brush,
Ignore the shine that’s glowing—no need to rush.
I’m rockin’ this widow’s peak like it’s fashion week,
My scalp’s just shy, it don’t like to speak.
Some folks call it “chrome dome,” I call it “sleek.”
I’m not receding—my hairline’s just unique.
Mirror says I’m radiant, my glow’s profound,
That ain’t baldness, that’s a halo crown!
---
[Pre-Chorus]
Don’t need no wig, don’t need no hat,
I’ve got a full mane (if you squint real fast).
I see your envy, I see your awe—
You wish your scalp could shine this raw!
[Chorus – BIG, BOUNCY, EPIC]
I’m CERTAINLY NOT BALD, I’m just aerodynamic,
My follicles are shy, not gone—don’t panic!
I’m sleek, I’m fierce, I’m follicle-free,
But baby this ain’t bald, it’s just me being me!
Yeah, CERTAINLY NOT BALD, I’m a smooth sensation,
Hair is so last year—it’s my innovation!
Don’t need a strand to make a stand,
'Cause I’m the king of the chrome and I’ve got a plan!
[Instrumental break – cue funky synths and mock choir vocals: “Not baldddd!” echoing comically]
---
[Verse 2]
They say I’ve got “fivehead,” I say “it’s ten,”
I’m storing brainpower—unlike other men.
Who needs curls when you’ve got this gleam?
I’m solar-powered, living the dream.
No split ends, no shampoo stress,
No barbershop bills, I’m hairless success.
When the wind blows, I feel the breeze—
That’s head-to-sky intimacy, with ease!
[Pre-Chorus – more dramatic]
Oh, paparazzi love to zoom real close,
"Where’s his hair?" they whisper in hushed tones.
But let me tell you something bold and brash—
This scalp’s got swagger, this dome’s got flash!
[Chorus – louder and prouder]
I’m CERTAINLY NOT BALD, I’m just advanced in style,
Hair is optional—I’ve been smooth awhile!
So radiant, so head-of-class,
My follicles are just on vacation, that’s all—don’t ask!
Yeah, CERTAINLY NOT BALD, just follicle flexible,
My head’s a mirrorball—party’s perpetual!
Don't need a part, my head's the art—
Now watch me shine as I tear this dancefloor apart!
[Instrumental break – mock slow-mo wind machine blowing across his bare scalp, synth solo twirls]
[Bridge – whisper/rap style, dramatic build-up]
They said I’d lose it all by thirty-two…
Well, thirty-two came and so did the dew.
But dew ain't hair, and shine ain't defeat,
This dome’s a disco—get on your feet!
[Final Chorus – over-the-top grand finale with mock choir]
I’m CERTAINLY NOT BALD, I’m a legend in skin,
With a gleam so bright, let the envy begin!
From fuzz to none, I’ve done it all,
Now the world can worship the not-bald ball!
Yes, CERTAINLY NOT BALD, it’s a follicle illusion,
A visual trick, a hair-based confusion!
My scalp is proud, my hair’s just shy—
Now sing it loud, don’t ask me why…
I’M. NOT. BALD. [echo:] "not bald"
I’m just sky-high flyin' follicle guy!
[Outro – Spoken, mock heroic tone]
Jason out.
JonnyOnit
