[Intro – Katt Williams Style, Smooth & Stupid]
You ever thought your dick was healed…
Then woke up with it lookin’ like it tried to escape your body?
I took one piss and it sounded like bacon fryin’.
I thought it was over—nope.
It came back like an ex with good head and bad credit.
[Verse 1 – Kevin Hart Style]
Last week I was cured, walkin’ proud and free,
Now it’s red again and beggin’ for a medic to see.
I got a letter from my junk, it said “We’re under attack,”
Now my balls wear hoodies ‘cause they scared it’ll come back.
(spoken)
Man, my dick got seasonal allergies now. I walk past a coochie and it just start flarin’ up like “we not goin’ in there, bruh!”
[Chorus – Country Group Harmony, Yeehaw and Panic]
It’s back, it’s mad, it brought friends this time,
Now my crotch got more bumps than a porcupine.
It itches, it twitches, it talks in tongues—
I think my nuts caught ghost pepper lungs.
(banjo solo with aggressive scratching sounds)
[Verse 2 – Clayton Bigsby Style]
Now look, I done fought for this country and my freedom,
But I did NOT fight for a mushroom tip with lesions.
My ex said “It’s just friction burn,”
Lady, friction don’t make it glow and churn.
(spoken)
My pecker look like it’s tryna transform into a Pokémon.
That ain’t “gotta catch ‘em all,” that’s “gotta go to the ER.”
[Verse 3 – Cartman Style, Angry and Unwell]
I got creams, pills, salves, and sprays,
But my dick still look like it’s seen five plagues.
That girl said, “You’re the only one I been with.”
Lies!
Her coochie got air miles from all the guys.
(spoken)
I raw dogged a girl who had more red flags than North Korea!
Now my penis looks like beef jerky with chicken pox!
[Bridge – Kevin + Katt Tag Team: “The Intervention”]
Kevin: My doctor walked in wearing a hazmat suit.
Katt: Mine brought a priest and garlic.
Kevin: I said, “Doc, can I still hit it?”
Katt: He said, “You can, but it’ll be like pourin’ hot sauce in a paper cut while cryin’ in the dark.”
[Final Chorus – All Together, Full Gospel Country Meltdown]
It’s flarin’ up like your baby mama’s temper,
Got more colors down there than a pride parade banner.
I prayed, I cried, I dipped it in ice—
Now my d*ck lookin’ like a churro with lice!
[Outro – Spoken Taglines from Each]
Clayton Bigsby: This ain’t a penis no more. This is a war veteran.
Cartman: I named it “Vietnam.” 'Cause nobody comes back the same.
Kevin Hart: I bought it a casket and a sympathy card.
Katt Williams: My dick ghosted me. It moved out and left a note that said:
“Dear Katt, you toxic.”