[Verse 1]
Me and the boys had a plan that night,
Paycheck cashed and the mood felt right,
Told the bouncer, “We’re just here for fun,”
He said, “Good luck, son — they just hired one.”
Neon lights flicker, whiskey in hand,
DJ shouts “Fellas, welcome Candyland!”
But when she hit the pole, my jaw hit the floor,
‘Cause I swear I’d seen him at the hardware store.
⸻
[Chorus]
That ain’t no lady, that’s Larry!
Five o’clock shadow and a chest too hairy!
She’s struttin’ like she’s God’s own gift,
But we’re prayin’ them lights would dim real quick.
She thinks we’re howlin’ ‘cause she’s fine as can be,
But we’re arguin’ ‘bout anatomy!
Lord, I ain’t judgin’, but it’s kinda scary…
That ain’t no lady… that’s Larry!
⸻
[Verse 2]
My buddy Joe near spit out his beer,
Said, “I think I saw her last year deer huntin’ here.”
She winked our way, I said, “Oh dear God,”
Joe said, “Bro, she just flexed her quads.”
She swung that leg up, crowd went wild,
I just whispered, “That’s a big-boned child.”
She blew us a kiss, I ducked my head,
Joe said, “Man, that kiss’s got stubble instead!”
⸻
[Chorus]
That ain’t no lady, that’s Larry!
Got calf muscles like she’s in the military!
She’s poppin’ that hip, workin’ that pole,
And I’m questionin’ my immortal soul.
She thinks we’re whisperin’ ‘bout how she’s sexy,
But we’re just tryin’ to solve this mystery!
Lord, it’s wild, but necessary —
That ain’t no lady… that’s Larry!
⸻
[Bridge]
Now bless her heart if she’s just that bold,
Confidence strong, pure solid gold,
But when she turned ‘round and winked my way,
I swore I heard a bass-baritone say:
“Y’all havin’ fun tonight, boys?” — Oh no,
Bartender, tab me out, I’m ready to go!
⸻
[Final Chorus]
That ain’t no lady, that’s Larry!
Hands too big and the vibe too hairy!
If beauty’s in the eye, mine’s got PTSD,
And Joe still swears she winked at me.
Moral of the story for the boys who marry —
Check the name tag… could still be Larry!
⸻
[Outro]
So cheers to the night and the neon sins,
To the laughs we’ll have when the hangover begins.
But if she walks your way and the lights get airy…
Say your prayers, boys —
That ain’t no lady… that’s Larry!
