Don’t Take My Wife’s Mountain Dew

(So listen to this story,

I promise it’s not boring.

I was thirsty this one time,

So I chose this one night

To take my wife’s last bottle of green—

And let me tell you, it did NOT go well for me.)

⸻

Don’t take my wife’s last Mountain Dew,

It’s bad for whether or not you’re healthy.

(I said) Don’t take my wife’s last Mountain Dew,

It’s very, very detrimental to your well-being.

She’ll throw a sink at you,

And say she thinks it’s rude—

So don’t take (I mean, really),

Do NOT take my wife’s last Mountain Dew.

⸻

One night I came home and I happened to be thirsty,

Was craving a soda—forgot to buy one, that is the worst thing.

Liz was still at work,

Saw a bottle of green,

Something I wanted to drink,

Chose to fill my thirst.

Two hours go by, peaceful and calm,

Till she arrived and had seen that it’s gone.

I tried to explain my earlier dilemma,

But I knew better—

Next thing, something flew at my head that was too heavy.

⸻

Don’t take my wife’s last Mountain Dew,

It’s bad for whether or not you’re healthy.

(I said) Don’t take my wife’s last Mountain Dew,

It’s very, very detrimental to your well-being.

She’ll throw a sink at you,

And say she thinks it’s rude—

So don’t take (I mean, really),

Do NOT take my wife’s last Mountain Dew.

⸻

One day one of my brothers ran through snacks and drinks,

Apparently didn’t feel like he had to ask, it seemed.

Found a lonely Dew in the mini-fridge and took it—

My wife found out, and there’s a reason his face is different-lookin’.

⸻

Don’t take my wife’s last Mountain Dew,

It’s bad for whether or not you’re healthy.

(I said) Don’t take my wife’s last Mountain Dew,

It’s very, very detrimental to your well-being.

She’ll throw a sink at you,

And say she thinks it’s rude—

So don’t take (I mean, really),

Do NOT take my wife’s last Mountain Dew.

⸻

Oh crap, I did it again—

I made the same mistake but I tried.

Taking my wife’s last soda

Is a sure way to play with my life.

She was almost home, so I hit the store to buy a case,

They were out, thanks to my wife—if I couldn’t find some, I’m erased.

Asked the stock workers, and then it was time to wait—

They had Fanta, some root beer, but no Mountain Dew.

And since they were out, I knew

That it was over for me—

Back to her throwing a sink

When I went home, I knew.

But I still broke the news.

When it’s four hours later and ten objects are thrown at you,

And you hope that it’s over soon—

You’ll remember

To not ever

Take my wife’s last Dew.

And if you want to,

Please think it through.

⸻

Do NOT take the Dew…