The Devil Kicked Me Out (Said I Lowered Property Value)

[Verse 1]
Got a pink slip taped to my door, signed in red ink pen
Said "your tenancy is terminated, effective 10 AM"
I laughed and took it down to the front desk, asked what I did wrong
The demon said "you're not a sinner, pal — you're just a pain to get along with"

[Chorus]
The devil kicked me out, said I lowered property value
Said my jokes were bad for morale, said my singing was a hassle
Said "hell's supposed to be punishment, but you're treatin' it like a saloon"
So he opened up the ceiling tile and kicked me to the moon
Well, not the moon — a ditch somewhere outside of New Haven
But I landed on my feet this time, and that's the part worth braggin'

[Verse 2]
I asked to speak to management, they said "you're lookin' at him"
The devil came out in a bathrobe, lookin' tired and real thin
He said "I've had demons quit because of you. I've had imps request transfers.
You asked the catering staff to play 'Wagon Wheel' for three hours. In four-part harmony. Backwards."

[Chorus]

The devil kicked me out, said I lowered property value
Said my jokes were bad for morale, said my singing was a hassle
Said "hell's supposed to be punishment, but you're treatin' it like a saloon"
So he opened up the ceiling tile and kicked me to the moon
Well, not the moon — a ditch somewhere outside of New Haven
But I landed on my feet this time, and that's the part worth braggin'

[Bridge — spoken, grinning]
He said "you're not evil enough for the fire pits and not nice enough for the cold snaps.
You're just... annoying."
[laughs]
I told him that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He threw a pitchfork at my head. Missed. Hit a cherub.
Cherub went down hard.
...anyway.

[Guitar break — triumphant, messy, laughing]

[Outro — sung, loud, free]
The devil kicked me out and honestly? I'm grateful
Hell was full of damp basements and a jukebox that was hateful
So save your fire and your brimstone, keep your lakes of burning tar
I'll take a ditch in New Haven
Over being where you are

[spoken, fading into the next track:]
Now where's my guitar...
[boots on gravel. Walking.]

Outlaw Country, male, Tempo: mid-fast, swinging with attitude, Electric guitar with a smirk.