My Ex Is a Skag Now (And That's an Upgrade)

[Verse 1]
She ran off with a bandit named Chip
Said I didn't have no future, just a death grip on a sip
Last I heard, Chip got ate by something big and mean
And she ended up out in the dumpster, gnawin' on a spleen

[Chorus]
My ex is a skag now, and that's an upgrade
She's finally got a job where her bite ain't just for show
She used to take my money and my last good cigarette
Now she just eats garbage and howls at the moon, you know?
Yeah, my ex is a skag now
And honestly? I'm proud

[Verse 2]
She used to nag me 'bout my drinkin', 'bout my friends, 'bout my smell
Now she rolls around in viscera and wears it pretty well
She don't call me on the Echo-Net at three AM to fight
She just tries to eat my face off — that's the most polite she's been all night

[Chorus]
My ex is a skag now, and that's an upgrade
She's finally got a job where her bite ain't just for show
She used to take my money and my last good cigarette
Now she just eats garbage and howls at the moon, you know?
Yeah, my ex is a skag now
And honestly? I'm proud

[Bridge — spoken, quick]
I saw her last Tuesday behind a Catch-A-Ride
She was eatin' somethin' squealin'. I said "Hey, honey, nice to see you alive."
She snapped at my boot heel. I gave her a wave.
Best damn closure a man ever got — no paperwork, no grave.

[Guitar break — slide guitar with a nasty grin]

[Outro — sung, speeding up]
My ex is a skag
My ex is a skag
She finally found a partner who can match her level of mad
Yeah my ex is a skag
And that's an up— that's an up—
That's an upgrade, baby!

[single laugh, then:]
Ahhh... love stinks.

Outlaw Country, Tempo: rocking outlaw shuffle, male