My Funeral Was Mid (0 Stars)

[Verse 1]
Tracked down a guy who was there, asked him how it went
He said "well, the weather was nice, I guess — maybe sixty percent"
Said the preacher showed up drunk, got the name wrong twice
Said the casket was the wrong color and the flowers had lice

[Chorus]
My funeral was mid — zero stars, would not recommend
The eulogy was plagiarized, the music had no end
Someone played a bagpipe solo that went on for forty minutes
And the punchline? I wasn't even in it
My funeral was mid, and that's the saddest part
I died for nothing, came back to nothing
And that's a work of art

[Verse 2]
They said six people showed up — three were just lost
One thought it was a barbecue, ate all the sauce
My ex-wife cried for thirty seconds, then checked her phone
My best friend gave a speech that was mostly about a loan

[Chorus]

My funeral was mid — zero stars, would not recommend
The eulogy was plagiarized, the music had no end
Someone played a bagpipe solo that went on for forty minutes
And the punchline? I wasn't even in it
My funeral was mid, and that's the saddest part
I died for nothing, came back to nothing
And that's a work of art

[Bridge — spoken, genuinely offended]
You know what the worst part is?
The sandwiches.
[beat]
I'm dead — was dead — and someone thought turkey on white was appropriate?
No condiments? No pickles? Just... dry turkey?
On white bread?
[shakes head]
I'd rather go back to hell.
At least the devil had pretzels.

[Instrumental break — guitar playing something that sounds like a bad funeral march, intentionally off-key]

[Outro — sung, shrugging]
My funeral was mid, but what'd I expect?
I wasn't exactly the type to earn respect
But still — a bagpipe?
Come on, that's just rude
Next time I die, I'm writing my own damn mood

[spoken, fading:]
...and someone's bringing real sandwiches.
[muttered:]
...turkey on white...
[fade out with a disgusted noise]

Outlaw Country, male, Tempo: mid-tempo, sarcastic