“Old Recording”

I don’t know if you’ll ever hear this

Honestly now I’m recording this

I don’t even know if I’d want you to

Maybe someday I’ll play it for you

Maybe I’ll keep it buried somewhere

and forget I ever made it

But if somehow you do hear it

I just hope you won’t make me feel sorry

for the pain you hear I’m in

I hope you won’t make me feel sorry

for admitting I’ve been hurting this bad

If you didn’t like what you hear

Id understand but don’t make me wish

I never showed you this side of me

I’ve already got enough going through my head I don’t need another reason to hide from me I hope you won’t make me feel sorry for the pain you hear I’m in

I didn’t know how much I’d miss

being able to think quietly

Now I notice everything

Every little thing I used to overlook

every part of myself

I always thought would be there

And maybe this recording sounds different

than the version of me you see

Cuz I can keep it buried and just show how to keep loving as best as I can

Maybe you hear this someday and think

“Damn, I never knew”

Or there’s a good chance I’ve blabbered it unintentionally Not knowing what I was saying and I still don’t. some nights I can convince myself I’ve got everything under control then another night comes around

and my own thoughts won’t leave me alone

But I’m trying

I hope you won’t make me feel sorry

for admitting I’ve been hurting this bad

If this version of me makes me feel unwanted I understand that

You don’t gotta fix me

you don’t gotta think you have to stay

I hope you do but you’re not only for me

Just don’t look at me differently

because I finally admitted

I’m not okay every day

I hope you won’t make me feel sorry

for the pain you hear I’m in

Right now I’m learning a life I never planned on learning, Learning what changed

Learning what didn’t

Learning how much of myself

I can still recognize in the mirror. cuz I don’t

I lost my ability to walk

and I say that like it’s one sentence

but there’s a whole world living behind those words

Like ones asking

“Why me” Then feeling guilty for even asking because somebody somewhere probably has it worse But pain doesn’t disappear

just because somebody else has pain too

I had plans. Still do That’s what I’m still trying to take in while I’m making this

My life didn’t end It changed

And I’m still figuring out what I’m supposed to do with the new version of it

Maybe when you hear this

I’ll already be doing better

Maybe I won’t

God I hope so

And maybe

Maybe that’s why I never played this for you

Because once somebody hears the truth

you can’t take it back

You can’t pretend

they never saw that part of you

So if this recording ever finds you

Don’t feel sorry for me

That’s not what I want

But don’t make me feel sorry

for letting you hear this

I hope you won’t make me feel sorry

for the pain Im living through

Maybe by the time you finally hear this

I’ll barely recognize this version of me too..

I hope you understand..

I want things to get better..