Couldn’t Stop Myself

It’s the way I, just couldn’t stop…

I pushed too far,

I messed it up

I knew it felt weird,

Still let my feelings interfere,

Kept hoping somehow you would

understand What I couldn’t make clear

Then you went quiet,

And that told me enough,

It was the way I kept going

When I should’ve just stopped

Yeah I messed it up

I messed it up

Asking for intimacy,

And can’t take it back now,

Can’t rewrite the messages

Or change how it went down

I was caught up in feelings

I thought I had under control,

Then I kept reaching back toward something I should’ve already let go

Cuz you’ve hurt me before and I don’t know if I’m stupid or just stupid, cuz I shouldn’t have asked for more and maybe that’s the problem. I couldn’t tell if I still wanted you

Or wanted something familiar

Couldn’t tell if it was really my heart

Or loneliness making the past look clearer

Maybe it was both, or maybe the way you hooked me to your finger and then left with your reasons, I don’t know

But that doesn’t make it right

It’s not alright to keep pushing something

When the other side goes quiet

I’ve fucked up before

But this one made me look at myself different. Like why couldn’t I recognize

When enough was enough in the moment

I wanted love so badly

I started confusing persistence with the feeling of connection, Trying to find something outside of me

To answer everything inside my reflection

Now I know sometimes no response

is a response, wasn’t really my puzzle to solve never dealt with it after all

It’s the way I, just couldn’t stop…

I pushed too far,

I messed it up

I asked, and maybe would ask again,

Thinking something might change

But when you never answer

I should just stay out of the way

It wasn’t what I wanted,

But wanting ain’t enough

I should’ve known when to leave it alone,

Cuz now Ive messed it up

So forget about the pressure,

You don’t owe me reassurance.

You don’t gotta make me feel better

About something that made you uncomfortable.

That part belongs to me.

I can sit with it, Learn from it,

Make damn sure I won’t repeat it

I let years pass and go on by and I’m still figuring out what healing actually means to me probably for the rest of my life, Maybe time doesn’t automatically fix you, Maybe it only gives you room

To finally see things differently or fill more into I know I want love,

I know I want somebody

Who can understand this version of my life.

Somebody I can talk to when it gets difficult I couldn’t lie, Somebody who actually wants to stay beside me when times start to decline

But I can’t force that person to exist

And I can’t keep reaching toward someone

Just because I don’t wanna sit alone like of course that ain’t fair for you to help me when I hurt myself so maybe messing this up maybe finally taught me something I needed

Love shouldn’t need convincing

I can miss you

And still leave you alone

I can regret it

Without blowing up your phone

I can wish things went differently

Even if you don’t

But growing means knowing…

when it’s not yours anymore.