Vertigo of the Damaged

Round and round…

Bathroom light keeps flickering.

I keep staring at myself

like maybe this time

I’ll recognize her.

Cold tile underneath me, bottle by my feet,

Pills sitting untouched beside the bathroom sink.

Mascara making rivers, whole room starts to spin,

I’m searching in the mirror for the girl I should’ve been.

I needed to be wanted, didn’t care what it would cost,

Gave pieces of myself away until I got lost.

Let people cross my boundaries just so they wouldn’t leave,

They took what they wanted—

I took home what it did to me.

Now their voices circle slowly like smoke around my head,

Every cruel little memory repeating what they said.

Not pretty enough.

Not worth staying for.

So I kept opening my heart

to people who only wanted more.

And the room spins…

Round, round, round again.

Faces turn to shadows,

lovers turn to strangers in the end.

I was begging to be chosen

while abandoning myself,

Trying to find my worth

in everybody else.

Then through all that static,

I heard your voice come through—

You didn’t say, “I’ll save you.”

You said, “I’m staying while you save you.”

You met the version of me

that apologized for everything,

Who questioned every “I love you,”

‘cause those words never meant a thing.

I’d panic when you got quiet,

Think distance meant goodbye.

You’d pull me from my thoughts and say,

“Baby, look me in the eyes.”

You never asked me to forget it,

Never told me not to hurt.

You just loved me while I slowly

learned that I still had some worth.

And some nights the room still spins

when those memories come around…

But now I know the difference

between being wanted

and being found.

Sometimes I still see her

on that bathroom floor.

And I wish I could hold her.

Tell her—

“Stop giving pieces of yourself away

just because somebody called you beautiful.

You don’t have to hurt yourself

to make somebody stay.”

Now when the room spins…

I don’t disappear with it.

I breathe until the walls stop moving,

I remind myself I exist.

I’m done begging to be chosen,

I’m learning to choose myself.

And when I forget who I am,

you don’t become somebody else.

You just hold the light beside me

while I find my own way through…

I thought I needed someone to save me.

Turns out I needed someone

who loved me enough

to let me save me too.

Round…

and round…

and round…

Then stillness.

Same bathroom mirror.

Same scars.

Same eyes.

But this time…

I recognize mine.