Who Ate My Meat

“Who Ate My Meat?”

By: Kurt Simmons & The Sleepover Suspects

(Genre: Slow, dramatic R&B with maximum side-eyes and moaning ad-libs)

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Mmm…

I went to bed with dreams in my head…

But I woke up…

Violated, empty… and well-fed.

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We all crashed at my place, just the crew,

Late-night vibes, nothin’ wild, just a thing we do.

Conner on the couch, Devon in the chair,

Fernando passed out with lube in his hair.

I brought snacks, drinks, and a whole lotta charm,

But I didn’t give out no late-night farm.

Woke up sore, shirt on the floor,

My “meat” was gone… and I ain’t ask for more.

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Who ate Kurt’s meat in the middle of the night?

Snuck in slow, didn’t leave no bite!

It wasn’t no burger, no ribs, no treat—

Someone dipped into his bedroom meat!

Mouth full of secrets, eyes full of lies…

Kurt’s walkin’ funny and askin’ why.

Now he inspectin’ sheets and breathin’ deep—

Who the hell crept in and stole that meat?

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I asked Conner first, he turned beet red,

Said, “Bro I just slept, don’t mess with my head!”

Devon just grinned, said “Why you ask me?”

Then winked and stretched like a guilty tree.

Fernando denied it, but his lips looked glossy,

And his breath smelled faintly of tabasco and frosty.

I said, “One of y’all chewed what don’t belong—”

Now someone’s guilty, and I’ll sing this song.

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(Whispers)

I felt the breeze…

I heard a zipper click…

I know one of y’all rode the meat train quick.

But I got cameras, I got clues,

And I’ll find out who sautéed my juice.

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Who ate Kurt’s meat in the dead of dark?

Left him sore, breathless, with a missing spark.

No teeth marks, but passion scars—

Someone took a trip to his backdoor stars.

He ain’t mad… he just wants the name,

Of the mystery man who played the meat game.

So own up now, or this track repeats—

Who slipped in silent… and stole Kurt’s meat?

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It’s not about shame…

It’s about trust.

And consent.

And… well…

Damn, at least gimme a napkin next time.