I Knew, I Just Didn’t Trust It

It’s crazy

I used to feel it right away

and still talk myself out of it

I remember noticing small things

not even big enough to explain

just a feeling

like something wasn’t sitting all the way right

nothing loud

nothing obvious

just a shift

I couldn’t really put into words

and instead of leaving it there

I would start thinking through it

like maybe I’m overthinking

maybe I’m expecting too much

maybe I’m reading too far into it

maybe it’s not what I think it is

and I would sit in that

longer than I should have

not because I didn’t see it

but because I didn’t trust what I saw

it wasn’t confusion

it was hesitation

like I needed proof

for something I already felt

and by the time I got the proof

it didn’t even matter

because I already knew

I just needed something outside of me

to confirm what was already inside

and looking back

that’s the part that stands out the most

I wasn’t missing awareness

I was overriding it

I think I used to believe

that if I couldn’t explain it

then I shouldn’t act on it

like I owed everything logic

before I allowed myself to move

so I would stay

and try to understand it

try to make it make sense

even when it didn’t feel right

and the longer I stayed

the clearer it got

but I still waited

now it’s different

I don’t go back and forth with it

I don’t sit and debate it

if something feel off

I notice

if something shift

I pay attention

but I don’t argue with myself anymore

I don’t need it to fall apart

for me to understand it

I don’t wait for it to get worse

just to justify leaving

I think that’s what changed

not what I see

just how I respond to it

I used to stay just to understand

now I leave with understanding

I used to wait for it to be obvious

now I trust what’s subtle

I don’t need it to prove itself

over and over again

once is enough

if I’m paying attention

and that alone

changed everything

I wasn’t wrong before

I just didn’t trust myself enough

to move on it