“99 Black Dudes in My Halls”
By: Kurt Simmons
(Genre: Dirty trap-meets-hypersexual R&B chaos — think Sexyy Red meets The Lonely Island with zero shame)
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[Intro – Kurt (moaning into a velvet mic)]
Y’all got hallway monitors…
I got hallway MONSTERS.
Boots steppin’ heavy…
And every last one of ‘em BLACK.
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[Hook – Kurt (singin’ like he proud of it)]
99 Black dudes in my halls!
Timbs scuffin’ up all my walls!
Sweat drippin’, basslines thick—
Kurt got a house like an XXL flick!
99 Black kings on the scene,
And they all look mean with pipe so clean!
Hallways echo, floors collapse—
But I beg ‘em, “Don’t stop… I live for the cracks!”
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[Verse 1 – Kurt (horny, breathless, jazz background playing)]
I opened my door, it was heaven and hell,
Boots and biceps, that melanin smell.
They walk in slow, stretchin’ like gods,
One slapped my thermostat — I said “that’s your job.”
No shirts on, just work pants tight,
Told me “Kurt, we don’t stay the night.”
I said “That’s fine — just ruin my spine,
And sign this NDA before y’all grind.”
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[Verse 2 – Kurt (singin’ like R. Kelly with no parole)]
Hallways groan like a haunted church,
My neighbors moved out, I’m left in the lurch.
Landlord called, said “What’s that sound?”
I said “Black excellence makin’ me drown.”
One in the kitchen, two on the stairs,
Four in the closet just breathin’ air.
Asked me “You good?” — I said “Define.”
If you mean destroyed, I’m doin’ just fine.
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[Hook – Kurt (practically preachin’ now)]
99 Black dudes in my halls!
One by one they make Kurt fall!
Ceilin’ fan spinnin’, knees go numb,
Soundtrack playin’ like a tribal drum!
99 strong, I lost my name—
They call me hallway because I take the whole train!
Kurt Simmons signed up for it all…
Now I’m reborn in a hallway brawl.
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[Bridge – Whispered, gospel energy]
I ain’t scared of no crowd.
I ain’t afraid of no length.
My walls are wide.
My floors are strong.
This house was built for pressure.
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[Verse 3 – Kurt (prideful, sore)]
This ain’t lust, this is art,
This is cardio, work, and heart.
Had a towel boy just for sweat,
And a nurse on site sayin’ “Ain’t done yet.”
Got murals now from the contact prints,
Got flashbacks every time someone hints.
You got a hallway? That’s cute, real tame—
Mine got echoes that still moan my name.
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[Final Hook – ALL (choir of moaning ghosts)]
99 Black dudes in my halls!
Heels broken, but I still crawl!
Pipe layin’ so hard it changed my will,
My estate now zoned as a hazard spill!
Kurt Simmons got his house on lock—
But them boys unlocked every block!
So if you see me limpin’ through the mall…
Just know—
I survived my hall.
KennyT69
