“Jeff Stay Sick”
By: The Square Cow Crew (Medical Mystery Unit)
(Genre: Comedy Trap – think Lonely Island x Tyler, the Creator on DayQuil)
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[Intro – Joe (concerned)]
Every week it’s somethin’ new…
Sniffles, limp, sweatin’ weird, callin’ out.
And he always say,
“I think I ate somethin’.”
Yeah, we know.
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[Hook – All Voices]
Jeff stay sick, can’t catch a break!
Said it hit different when he swallowed that snake!
Laid up twisted, cryin’ in sheets—
From a wild-ass night and some mystery meats!
Jeff stay sick, but he won’t stop snackin’—
Talkin’ ‘bout “love,” while his insides crackin’!
Callin’ in sick like a damn tradition—
Bro, stop eatin’ dick in suspicious conditions!
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[Verse 1 – Dillon]
He said “It’s organic,” I said “From who?!”
He said “This guy from Tinder, real cute dude.”
I said “Was it cooked?” he said “Kinda warm…”
Now his stomach sound like a fire alarm.
Missed three shifts, said “My chest feel tight,”
Doc said, “Why your throat glowin’ bright?”
Had Pepto, soup, prayer, and ice—
But kept sneakin’ bites like it’s worth the price!
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[Verse 2 – Jamaican Paul]
Mi tell Jeff stop suckin’ from strange plate,
Him say “It’s love”—bwoy that nuh safe.
Now him coughin’ like him curse from spell,
Eyes roll back like he taste pure hell.
Mi see him bent up, knees all weak,
Ask “What happen?” — him say “I just eat.”
Mi say “No food make yuh twitch like dat,”
Unless the meal pack heat and clap back!
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[Hook – All Voices]
Jeff stay sick, got mystery rash!
Sayin’ “It’s allergies” while he breakin’ in hives fast!
Drank from a straw that ain’t been washed—
Now he textin’ the crew from an IV posh!
Jeff stay sick, got pain and pride,
But he still say, “That pipe worth the ride.”
Man down bad with a love-borne virus—
Need a vaccine for his hookup bias!
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[Bridge – Joe (narrating like a documentary)]
It wasn’t food poisoning…
It was pipe poisoning.
From questionable sources.
With no wrapper.
And no regrets.
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[Verse 3 – Ethan]
He say, “I’m a domer, I live by the tongue,”
Now he laid up wheezin’ like a church bell rung.
“Licked the wrong dude,” that’s his new line,
Now his bloodstream bubble like moonshine.
We try to warn him, but he don’t listen,
Next day he text like “I’m sweatin’ and pissin’.”
Jeff, bro, you got too much pride—
You ain’t built for buffet-style rides!
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[Final Hook – All Voices]
Jeff stay sick, can’t catch a win!
Sayin’ “It’s just allergies” — bro, that’s sin!
Took a bite from a man with no first name,
Now he curled up tight in the ER game!
Jeff stay sick, but he never learn,
Still RSVPin’ to the throat that burns!
Got a fever, rash, and a busted voice—
But he said with a smile: “My hole, my choice.”
KennyT69
