All Hat, No Giddy-Up

(Twang guitar intro)

Well I woke up this mornin’ with my tractor in gear,

But the engine down south just ain't shiftin’, I fear.

Got a fridge full of beer and a dog named Lou,

But that old flame of mine? She done flickered on through.

I’m all hat, no giddy-up,

Got a six-string limp and a coffee cup.

Ain’t got no friends with them benefits,

Just cows, corn, and my truck that spits.

Life’s slow on the farm, and my love life's dead,

The rooster crows, but nothin' else gets fed.

Now the doc said, “Son, it happens with age,”

So I traded romance for a John Deere page.

I tried yoga, kale, even goat milk soap,

But my love life's flatter than grandma's rope.

I’m all hat, no giddy-up,

Like a rodeo clown without no luck.

Got no flings, no secret dates,

Just me and my grill and a lot of steak plates.

The pigs don't judge, the goats don't care,

But that swing on the porch sure looks real bare.

Tried to woo sweet Nancy from the diner booth,

But she said, “If it don’t work, I want the truth!”

I said, “Girl, I’m honest, I won’t pretend…

We’ll just play Scrabble and stay best friends.”

Now I write sad songs by the firelight,

Bout a cowboy’s curse and a lonely night.

But I still got pride, and a working stove,

And a heart big enough to fill this cove.

Yeah I’m all hat, no giddy-up,

But I don’t cry much—just hiccup and sup.

Ain’t got no passion, but I’ve got peace,

And a barn full of hay and a flock of geese.

So here's to the boys whose spark don't spark—

May your hearts stay warm, though your engines bark.

I’m all hat, no giddy-up, it’s true…

But at least I don’t pay for dinner for two!