Minion, Fetch Me A Beat (And Then Delete It)

[Claptrap voice sample, cheerful:]

"Hello, minion! Ready for another exciting adventure?"

[Beat stabs. Record scratch. Vault Hunter voice, flat:]

"No."

---

[VERSE 1]

They told me you was helpful. They lied.
They told me you was funny. I tried.
To find a single reason not to scrap you for parts
But your voice alone makes me wanna restart
The whole damn universe, erase you from code
You're a stair-shaped reminder of a heavy load
Nobody carried. Nobody asked for.
You're a door that won't open, a key that won't latch, a—

Hold up. Lemme breathe. Lemme focus.
You're the reason side missions feel hopeless.
Talkin' in my ear while I'm tryna loot
Sayin' some dumb crap — shoot me, just shoot.

---

[HOOK]

Minion, fetch me a beat — then delete it
You're the only robot that makes me wanna delete me
Minion, fetch me a gun — then drop it
Every word you say makes the whole squad wanna stop it
You're a glitch, you're a pest, you're a test of my will
And the fact you're still runnin' is a bug they should kill
Minion, fetch me a life — not yours, obviously
You ain't got one, you're just annoyingly.

---

[VERSE 2]

You got a wheel. You got a voice. You got zero self-awareness.
You treat every disaster like it's your first day of daycare.
"You're my new best friend!" — nah, I'm your new worst nightmare.
One misplaced step and you're tumbleweeds and spare parts out there.
Remember when you threw a party? Nobody came.
Remember when you "helped"? I aged. I aged.
You're the reason I mute my Echo by default
You're the reason I punch first and ask who it was after the vault.

---

[BRIDGE]

[Beat drops to sparse, eerie synth. Vault Hunter voice, low and tired.]

"Look. I get it. You were programmed to need approval.
Designed to be a companion in a world that hates you.
That's not your fault.
But it is your fault that you never shut up about it."

[Beat slams back in.]

---

[VERSE 3]

You climbed a ladder once. Want a medal?
You opened one door. Want a parade?
You led me into a death trap — twice —
Then acted surprised when I wasn't impressed by the "help" you gave.
You're a walking liability with a voice box
A liability with a personality that makes me need a lockbox
For my sanity, my patience, my will to live
You're the reason I take side quests that ask me to kill.

---

[HOOK FINAL]

Minion, fetch me a beat — then delete it
You're the only robot that makes me wanna delete me
Minion, fetch me a gun — then drop it
Every word you say makes the whole squad wanna stop it
You're a glitch, you're a pest, you're a test of my will
And the fact you're still runnin' is a bug they should kill
Minion, fetch me a life — not yours, obviously
You ain't got one, you're just annoyingly.

---

[OUTRO]

[Claptrap voice sample, cheerful despite everything:]

"Wow, that was really hurtful! But I forgive you! That's what friends do!"

[Beat cuts hard. Silence.]

[Vault Hunter whisper:]

"…I'm gonna sell him."

[Claptrap sample:]

"I heard that!"

[Static. Hard cut.]

Industrial hip-hop, comedy diss track, Nerdcore, male