Minion, Fetch Me A Beat (And Then Delete It)

"Hello, minion! Ready for another exciting adventure?"

"No."

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They told me you was helpful. They lied.

They told me you was funny. I tried.

To find a single reason not to scrap you for parts

But your voice alone makes me wanna restart

The whole damn universe, erase you from code

You're a stair-shaped reminder of a heavy load

Nobody carried. Nobody asked for.

You're a door that won't open, a key that won't latch, a—

Hold up. Lemme breathe. Lemme focus.

You're the reason side missions feel hopeless.

Talkin' in my ear while I'm tryna loot

Sayin' some dumb crap — shoot me, just shoot.

---

Minion, fetch me a beat — then delete it

You're the only robot that makes me wanna delete me

Minion, fetch me a gun — then drop it

Every word you say makes the whole squad wanna stop it

You're a glitch, you're a pest, you're a test of my will

And the fact you're still runnin' is a bug they should kill

Minion, fetch me a life — not yours, obviously

You ain't got one, you're just annoyingly.

---

You got a wheel. You got a voice. You got zero self-awareness.

You treat every disaster like it's your first day of daycare.

"You're my new best friend!" — nah, I'm your new worst nightmare.

One misplaced step and you're tumbleweeds and spare parts out there.

Remember when you threw a party? Nobody came.

Remember when you "helped"? I aged. I aged.

You're the reason I mute my Echo by default

You're the reason I punch first and ask who it was after the vault.

---

"Look. I get it. You were programmed to need approval.

Designed to be a companion in a world that hates you.

That's not your fault.

But it is your fault that you never shut up about it."

---

You climbed a ladder once. Want a medal?

You opened one door. Want a parade?

You led me into a death trap — twice —

Then acted surprised when I wasn't impressed by the "help" you gave.

You're a walking liability with a voice box

A liability with a personality that makes me need a lockbox

For my sanity, my patience, my will to live

You're the reason I take side quests that ask me to kill.

---

Minion, fetch me a beat — then delete it

You're the only robot that makes me wanna delete me

Minion, fetch me a gun — then drop it

Every word you say makes the whole squad wanna stop it

You're a glitch, you're a pest, you're a test of my will

And the fact you're still runnin' is a bug they should kill

Minion, fetch me a life — not yours, obviously

You ain't got one, you're just annoyingly.

---

"Wow, that was really hurtful! But I forgive you! That's what friends do!"

"…I'm gonna sell him."

"I heard that!"