Better Call Saul

(A Breaking Bad song, Hamilton-style — fast-talking, rhythmic, showman energy)

[SAUL] (rapid-fire, confident, straight off the bench)

Alright, alright, sit down, relax, let me break it down for you,

You cooked a batch of product and you don’t know what to do,

You’re standin’ there in denial, moral high ground, actin’ proud,

But morals don’t pay lawyers, kid, and morals don’t clear a crowd.

You need a man who knows the game, who’s played it left and right,

Who’s shaken hands with judges and with dealers in the night,

I’m not the good guy, I’m not the bad guy, I’m the in-between,

I’m the guy who keeps your money moving, keeps your hands clean.

You want a lawyer? I’m a lawyer.

You want a fixer? I’m that too.

You want a nail salon that’s washing twice what it brings through?

I got a guy, I got a place, I got a call to make,

I got connections deeper than the foundations that they break.

[ENSEMBLE] (backup, rhythmic chant)

Better call Saul! Better call Saul!

When the DEA’s got questions and your lawyer’s got ’em all!

See, Walter, Walter, Walter — you’re a chemist, not a crook,

You need someone who can launder cash and cook the book,

Not that kind of cook — well, actually, I know a guy for that too,

I got names for every problem — that’s the business that I do.

A car wash for your cash flow, a shell company or six,

An offshore for your offshore, and a lawyer for your tricks,

I’m not judgin’, I’m just workin’, I don’t moralize the play,

I just make the money quiet and I make the bodies… go away.

(beat, sly grin)

I mean — hypothetically.

Better call Saul! Better call Saul!

He’s got the dirt, he’s got the charm, he’s got the network on speed dial!

So here’s my card, here’s my number, here’s my little strip mall throne,

I’m the last honest dishonest man that you will ever phone,

You want an empire? I can build you an empire, brick by brick,

Just remember when it’s crumbling — I called it. Better pick

[SAUL] (big finish, arms out, showman)

— a lawyer who’s got just the right amount of dirty!

Better. Call. SAUL!

BETTER CALL SAUL!