Not Again

don’t do this to me again

seriously

you mention somebody else

and suddenly my chest drops

one tiny thing

and my whole brain starts connecting dots

hate how fast it happens

hate that I go quiet straight away

because logically I know

you’re probably not going anywhere

but my body reacts first

and my thoughts get mean

like I’m already bracing

for another repeat

you noticed the shift in me

I know you did

not again

not this feeling again

not the overthinking

not the panic setting in

not again

don’t make me spiral like this

don’t make me feel safe

then accidentally trigger it

because once my head starts running

I don’t know how to stop it

I know you’re not responsible

for what somebody else did

but my brain still treats small things

like warnings instead

and I hate that

because you were actually being kind

while I sat there fighting memories

you didn’t even put inside my mind

you kept reassuring me

and I kept acting off

because part of me was stuck in old hurt

while trying to stay present in the talk

I wish I could separate

you from the fear properly

not again

not this feeling again

same tight chest

same fear settling in

not again

I’m tired of history repeating

tired of one small thing

turning into emotional bleeding

and I know it’s not fair

but it still feels real to me

I don’t think I’m scared of losing people anymore

I think I’m scared

of feeling replaceable

again

not again

don’t let my brain ruin this

don’t let old damage

turn into another distance

not again

I’m trying to stay rational

while my nervous system’s reacting

like the past is still happening

and honestly?

I’m exhausted from carrying both

you’re not the one who hurt me

but sometimes my brain forgets that for a minute