Autopilot / Enemy

Yeah…

Been inside too long, feels like the walls know my name.

I keep telling everyone I’m fine—

but I don’t think I believe it anymore.

⸻

I’m doing fine…

Alright, okay… yeah, that’s what I say.

Sun keeps coming up each day,

but it never really reaches me anyway.

I’m doing fine…

At least that’s the lie,

’Cause every time I look inside my mind

I meet the version of me that I’m trying to hide—

My worst enemy, wearing my disguise.

⸻

I’ve been staying inside too much lately,

Probably adding to my anxiety.

Doc says I need more Vitamin D,

So I take a supplement just to feel like me.

If you stepped inside my head, you’d see

It’s a mess that I keep locked privately.

Tell myself I don’t need therapy—

Just another cost, another guilty fee.

I’m doing fine (maybe).

Alright, okay (barely).

Sunlight creeps through window shades,

But I’m just watching all my days

Fade out in this small town I can’t escape.

And I swear I’m doing al—

then it breaks…

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Am I really fine, or is it something I rehearsed?

Autopilot brain and I can’t decide which is worse.

I stay awake every night,

Overthinking every word, every hurt.

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’Cause the real me hates me, the real me ain’t me,

I edit my reflection ’til it’s something I can’t be.

Bags under my eyes, no filter’s gonna hide

The person in the mirror that I’m terrified to meet.

The real me hates me (why do I try?)

The real me ain’t me (I lose my mind)

The real me hates me—every time I look inside,

I’m my worst enemy, wearing my disguise.

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Scrolling through my phone at 2am,

Comparing myself to people I’ll never be friends with.

I fall in love with the version of me

That only exists in my camera lens.

I’m losing all control,

Ghosting who I used to know.

The person in my posts?

That’s not the one who’s feeling low.

I take my pills, I pay my bills,

I swear I’m trying to survive—

But none of that fixes the part of me

That keeps me up at night.

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Guess I play this guitar hoping someday

I can look in the mirror

And say I’m okay.

⸻

But the real me hates me, the real me ain’t me,

Invert the camera, turn the beauty filter up—

Maybe then they’ll love me.

The real me hates me, the real me ain’t me,

Every flaw I see becomes a war inside of me.

The real me hates me (oh God, I try)

The real me ain’t me (I lose my mind)

The real me hates me—every time I close my eyes,

I’m my worst enemy…

you’re my worst enemy.

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Tell me why I keep pretending

That this pain is just aesthetic?

Why’s the mirror so prophetic—

Showing every fear I’ve edited?

I don’t know who I’m protecting

When I fake my imperfections.

Maybe someday I’ll accept it—

But today I just…

don’t recognize my reflection.

⸻

I’m doing fine…

Alright… okay…

That’s what I say.

But if you look behind the shades—

I’m not fine,

Never was,

Still trying

Not to fade.