Friends?

Everytime I need someone I see no one. No mother who’d stand on my side, no sisters who’d be there for me, no cousins who’d care if I die, no friends who’d ask you to go out. Yeah no one. I have a husband who I thought could be anything and anyone in my life, who can take anyone’s responsibility. But I’ve been lying to myself for years. And now I find myself clinging or begging people to be friend, and I just always be the one who get hurt in the end. I don’t fake it when I say “come home to me” or “let’s go out soon”, but I never got why people run away from me. Am I so bad? Do I always do something that makes people take a thousand steps back? What am I doing wrong? All I ever wanted was at least one real friend who’d give at least as much as I’d give them. And now I’m 26 years old and still haven’t met anyone like that. Does it take that much of a time to open a message and type a few wrongs? Is it that hard to not leave one on read when they’re waiting for an answer? Isn’t it moral to just think “I shouldn’t do this because they don’t it to me” or putting themselves in my shoes for at least once? I’m always the one who ends up crying. And sometimes I try to ignore the thought that I want friends, to go out and eat or drink something with someone, talk shit, laugh out loud, or maybe even just watch a movie with someone. I try to act that I’m all okay but sometimes I give in. Give in to this horrible feeling of being alone and lonely. I envy people who have one true friend, I really do. Even if it’s just “hey let’s go out I’m bored”. Just a simple wish I’ve been waiting for since I was a child. Just one friend, but I guess, God thinks I don’t deserve it.

No friends, sad, lonely