I must have died…. or was this life.
It was eleven years earlier.
Without any understanding for the event that had unfolded just the day bef
Nothing out of the normal, had I actually known normal.
My life had become a routine of taking charge and get everything done. As usual, I was
comfortable and productive. Why wouldn’t I have, this I knew well.
Not really but that’s what I convinced myself. It not every day you plan a funeral, but you’d not know this look from the outside. It was my mothers. I was planing my
mothers funeral. I knew I wasn’t ok but never would anyone this. I owed it her, her friends, her family. I knew all I had to do is keep myself busy.
Don’t stop. Just keep busy so there wouldn’t be anytime to stop and feel these emotions. Planning her funeral allowed me the distraction.
She was really gone.
I was Exhausted and didn’t care. I would have kept going for day had my body allowed.
I told myself to just keep going as nothing had changed, but something had changed. Something bigger than my life itself. The reason I even had this life, she was gone. Death had taken her away:
I pushed through the intrusive thoughts.
Telling myself that today was no different than the day before.
I truly believedI had trickerymi d, altered my reality!
I managed my environment well. My world was solid, you know... comfortable.
Consistent.
I planned, I was prepared. Unexpected was everyone else. Not me.
But interrupted I was. More like jolted so hard that my conscious avoided engaging.
I was just becoming the young woman every mother dreams to someday see and be so proud of.
I was that daughter.
I was at the prime of my life,
I had only began my journey in to what life was all about. How was I to do this with Her! How!
Nothing intruded me, I handle those annoying interruptions well, a little too well!
Not now! Not ever! Noooooo! Please! Make it go away!
Why now, what at this point....
I’d give anything to go back to yesterday!
Anything! Anything!
The most amazing woman I knew had lefties world, but remained in my mind.
I lock her in there never to let her out! I couldn’t! How do you live after those you love die!
Call me selfish! I am! I want all my time back! I want my mother!
The world kept moving. I hate this! Was it not aware of the beauty it had just lost!
Maybe her beauty was only noticed by me!
Where my reality began and my innocents, forever gone.
It began like all the other days.
The sun was shining exactly as it always had.
Nothing was unusual. Only the date had changed.
It was , March 6. The second day after my my heart died.
But I hadn’t time for my own death. The death I felt when my mother died.
I died to that day.
There was much to do and people depended on me.
The day came to an end. Now, I was alone in with my thoughts.
GOD WHY! Did I honor Her to that she deserved… in death.
I can’t let go, I’ll never let go!
I whisper, its me Mom,
I love you more!
