I Asked for Fire and Got a Damp Basement

[Verse 1]
Checked into my eternal suite, keys in hand
The demon at the front desk said "enjoy the promised land"
I opened up the door and found a room with moldy walls
A single flickering lightbulb and a bathroom with no stalls

[Chorus]
I asked for fire and got a damp basement
Asked for brimstone, got a broken radiator
Said "give me lakes of burning pitch"
They gave me a dehumidifier and a Mitch Hedberg cassette
I asked for fire
But the devil's cutting corners
Guess even hell's got budget cuts and corporate reorganizers

[Verse 2]
The guy next door is screaming — not in pain, just bored
He's been trying to get his cable fixed since February of '04
The lady down the hallway keeps on knockin' on my door
Asking if I've got a plunger 'cause her toilet's on the floor

[Chorus]

I asked for fire and got a damp basement
Asked for brimstone, got a broken radiator
Said "give me lakes of burning pitch"
They gave me a dehumidifier and a Mitch Hedberg cassette
I asked for fire
But the devil's cutting corners
Guess even hell's got budget cuts and corporate reorganizers

[Bridge — spoken, incredulous]
You ever been so disappointed that you loop back around to impressed?
Like... this took effort.
To make eternal damnation this mediocre.
I asked for fire.
Fire!
You know — hot? orange? the thing that killed the dinosaurs?
And they gave me a space heater from 1987 that smells like burnt popcorn.
[beat]
...this is a choice.

[Instrumental break — harmonica dripping like water through a ceiling. Slow. Pathetic.]

[Outro — sung, tired]
I asked for fire and got a damp basement
The devil sent a maintenance guy but he ain't show up yet
I filed a work order in the year 2024
Still waiting on a callback
Guess that's what hell is for

[spoken, quiet:]
...I'll just sit here. In the dark. With the mold.
[small, hollow laugh]
...feels like home.

[last chord. The drip of water. Fade.]

Outlaw Country, male, Tempo: slow, dripping, miserable. Acoustic guitar with a flat, dead sound